immaculate_sinner

all grown up?

2007-03-27T10:44:00.000-04:00

everything is getting so frustrating lately... i don't want to think i'm running out of luck because i never had it in the first place... it is more of me doing everything the way i want and not really caring about the results and consequences...

but this time its different... there's so much responsibility that i have to face... i have to work my ass off, support my girlfriend in every single aspect, take care of myself, and stay sane... for the hatred of hell, i'm only 20 and a mere human! i'm no superhero!

nowadays, nothing seems to be working the way i want them to... of course i always have alternatives to reach my goal but i'm already running out of options and i'm still failing...

plus the fact that no one's really helping out effectively...

i haven't ran out of problems for the past seven months... looks like i'm their new favorite and they want to stay with me for good... so now, i have too many problems to worry about simultaneously...

yes, i am complaining... my problems are now more than just your typical josh valmont matters of the heart... its already the problems a grown up usually has...

grown up... that sucks... i'm too young for that kind of responsibility yet that's exactly the situation i am in right now...

politics crap

2007-03-20T12:36:00.000-04:00

i don't want people to think i'm neglecting this blog... its just that livejournal is more appropriate to my needs... and it seems to me that no one's reading this thing anymore...

but at least i've got a place to trash all my thoughts...

all this political hype is so annoying... its just another election! its another chance for those pathetic politicians to spend the people's money to cheat their way into a position to get more money in the process...

goddamn it...

honestly, i don't think the philippines deserves a democratic form of government... this country was granted democracy by stupid americans who just wanted the filipinos to believe that they are smart and civilized enough to decide what's good for themselves and their country... by the way things have been going, filipinos have no idea how the hell they are actually leading themselves into self-destruction because they are not ready to run a country...

just a song

2007-02-10T06:06:00.000-05:00

Lips of an Angel
Hinder

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girl's in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
(And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

losing brain cells

2006-10-30T07:46:00.000-05:00

what's left for me to put down in words?

i have already said everything i wanted to say... although it honestly disappoints me that nobody seems to care about my feelings (aside from a selected few), i respectfully leave that be... this is the new age... the age wherein you do what you want to do and people will only notice you once you have reached that pedestal of success...

how can crab mentality be a part of human nature? ah... evolution...

going through my post archives reveals how much of my "wisdom" has deteriorated... i have lost my clever word play and i have lacked depth in my thoughts...

somehow i have become a moron... at least, in my standards...

yet that seeming deterioration also reflects how much of my former temper has been mellowed... although i still throw a fit, i now have the tendency to calm down after a couple of minutes...

at least i'm showing some improvement...

lately i have noticed that i have been quite "slow" in understanding things... it now takes me some time before my brain can actually process explanations or simple instructions... oftentimes i just stare blankly and think of nothing...

i do not think that there is something wrong with me... i believe this is just caused by the psychological stress i have been going through and my body reacted with all this influx of physiological problems...

maybe i need to recover my brain cells...

amazing

2006-10-22T08:48:00.000-04:00

after countless years, i suddenly decided to go to church this afternoon... aside from being in dire need of help, i wanted to get in touch with my spiritual side once again...

the recent events of my life somehow made me find my way back to Him... its funny, actually, how it happened... i won't give the details, though... let's just say the Stewards of Heaven all went down to earth to come to my aid and saved my life...

but as soon as i got there, i realized i came there not to seek help but to praise and thank Him...

it was very relieving... i feel like i'm an entirely new person...

what i'm most thankful for?

i'm still with my girl and we're making through the storm... we're stronger than ever and i love her like crazy...

we have already made plans about our future together... we've been saving up money to buy a house, discussing how many kids we want and what their names would be...

man, it feels great to actually be thinking of settling down...

i guess she's one of those Stewards... she just decided to give up her wings to be with me...

laruku con

2006-09-11T07:52:00.000-04:00

here are some snippets on the laruku convention as emailed by hydee...

L'Arc~CON:PIECES of Yesterday ~an LPFC Anniversary Special~
September 16, 2006, UP Ang Bahay ng Alumni
12:00nn-10:00 pm
program officially starts at 2:00 pm

Activities are as follows:
· Exhibition Booth - An exhibition of the Organizer's Pride Collection of original L'Arc~en~Ciel stuff and merchandise (albums, singles, dvds, posters, magazines, etc.)

· Music/Listening, Karaoke and Film Showing Booth - Several music listening area will be provided for all the fans. Also a karaoke area wherein fans can sing Laruku karaoke tunes. Plus, a chance to view rare videos and the "latest" from the band.

· Bazaar - Different anime-, manga-, Laruku-, and other Japanese-related goods from different stores will be up for grab for all fans during the event at a very reasonable price.

· Organization/ Institutions Booth - School organizations, clubs or institutions considered as an Affiliate for the event is encouraged to promote and exhibit their respective organizations.

· Fan Art Competition - A showcase of Filipino artists through original fan art and designs of L'Arc~en~Ciel and it's members.

· Cosplay Competition - Participants shall portray a certain character of their choice. There will be two (2) categories for the cosplay competition and are as follows:

o Laruku Idol Cosplay Competition - individual cosplayer shall portray any from the L'Arc~en~Ciel band members.

o Anime/Movie Laruku-related Cosplay Group Competition - group cosplayers to portray any from the L'Arc~en~Ciel- inspired anime and movie themes.

· Wall Graffiti and Commemoration Area - An area for Laruku fans to display their sincerest appreciation for the band. This section shall serve as our project for LPFC's Scrapbook activity.

· Auctions - Original pre-owned or new items of any Laruku or J-related items.

· Games - Fun-filled games to keep the camaraderie among Laruku fans.

· Laruku Concert - Five (5) hours of non-stop Japanese Music as the ten (10) performing Filipino J-Coverer bands play L'Arc~en~Ciel music.

Filipino J-Coverer Bands: "Laruku Concert"
Paradoxical Review
Borazuteru
Ethereal Anthem
Euphoria
tRANCE
Himitsu Heiki
Progeny
Rtschrk
Do'Ahou
Xeven:Thvrsday* watch out for their singles

damn it... i wanna attend... xeven:thvrsday's back!

2006-09-01T00:05:00.000-04:00

i'm really sore that UST lost against UP when they friggin' won over Ateneo... it was such a close game... UST students crowded every single TV monitor all over the campus, watching the UST-UP game, accompanied by all the screams and shrieks...

if the tigers won that game, they'd be sure of a FInal Four slot... now it all depends on the other team's standings...

dying and surviving

2006-08-11T00:46:00.000-04:00

aki's dead...

nope, not my brother... its my mouse... yeah, the same mouse that aina gave me a couple of years ago... it died two days ago... i guess he died out of loneliness and hunger... i never bothered to buy him a mate and i always forget to feed him... maybe that's because he doesn't make a sound... he just runs around his cage biting the steel or sleeping or playing with the newspaper we use to cover the floor of his cage...

on the other hand, my dad got a new puppy yesterday... his "friend" gave it to him... its so cute! he's so fat! i don't know its breed though... i wanted to play with him but he's got fleas... lots of it... so i just constantly pat his head... he's quite friendly... he doesn't bite... and he doesn't bark at my cats! plus points for him! he doesn't have a name yet, though...

ustetika's coming up... the hell i'm joining... its fuckin' bias... the judges happen to be all professors from the faculty of arts and letters... to hell with them all...

reminds me, the tigers lost to the blue eagles by more than 40 points last weekend... stupid basketball team... i'd sell my soul to the devil if they ever win another championship in the next 50 years...

sweetness

2006-08-03T02:37:00.000-04:00

its actually bittersweet... but i'll make that my next song... one i'll personally write...

SWEETNESS
jimmy eat world

If you're listening.
Sing it back.
String from your tether unwinds.
Up and outward (but only) to bind.
I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.
Are you listening?
Sing it back.
So tell me what do I need when the words lose their meaning.
I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.
Yeah, stumble until you crawl.
Sinking into sweet uncertainty.
If you're listening.
Are you listening?
Sing it back.
I'm still running away.
I won't play your hide and seek game.
I was spinning free with a little sweet and simple numbing me.
What a dizzy dance.
This sweetness will not be concerned with me.
No the sweetness will not be concerned with.

beloved

2006-06-28T07:23:00.000-04:00

guys, read this and i assure you that you won't regret it...

for those who support yaoi & yuri...

here's an excerpt:

We tell stories to keep us going. We tell the fantastic and the tragic, the horrific and the beatific. Sometimes they are the same thing. We look, time and time again, for something to believe in.

They say to write what you know. All I know is you.

Here, in a bounty of words, where I can layer myself so thickly with disguises that I will not recognize my own two eyes, I will strip to the bone for you. I will pare away flesh and blood to make myself clean for you. This is as honest as I can be. Peel away the layers I have cloaked myself in and you will find this beating heart. I will crack open this world for you and pour it into three words. They have been said before. They are no new revelation. But they are not my mold; I am theirs.

I love you when the night comes down and we are at opposite poles of the heart, separated by words so brittle they break in my mouth. I love you when the world tells me I should not and people who do not know me send their frowns to worry at the corners of my mouth. I love you when our walls are plastered with defeat and I am ready to give up on a voyage with no end. I love you when I am too tired to kiss you; I love you when I am too angry to give in to the magnet of your arms. I love you when it is too dangerous to tell you so. I love you when I tell you anyway.

Before this love I was a shell. There was happiness but there was no pain to gauge it by. I don't want a chalkboard life, where what I am is erased at the end of the day. Love changes you. You change me.

No court in the world can touch this.

click the link for more...

and yes, i am in love and never in a moment did i regret it...

derailed

2006-06-13T23:44:00.000-04:00

oftentimes i just want to get back on track yet always fail to do so... although there is definitely no one to blame but myself, i constantly convince my ego-filled brain that my lack of concentration slips through my fingers at the mere mention of that oddly-shaped creature of my past...

i want to go beyond typical...

spreading it far and wide

2006-05-31T10:01:00.000-04:00

because YouTube keeps rigging the videos, here you go guys! for your viewing pleasure... *throws up*

if you hate boobman (that's how haters call him now), this is one more reason to hate him more than ever...

YOUSENDIT:
http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?
action=download&ufid=A38F97B3552E4FB9

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?
action=download&ufid=55B76A9C78D96826

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?
action=download&ufid=E813FBD54F7F49AC

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?
action=download&ufid=9BDDF2930BED7393

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?
action=download&ufid=9D4BCFF34DF819AC

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?
action=download&ufid=CFFECFA019349C41

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?
action=download&ufid=8CDAB27137A7D468

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php?
action=download&ufid=8FF895624444F325

ZIPPYVIDEOS:
http://www.zippyvideos.com/8577728505264576/mtc/

MEGAUPLOAD:
http://www.megaupload.com/?d=9N9J5LK4

out to get me

2006-05-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

i just don't get what's up with these people... they keep on pestering me, leafing through every single page of my history that they can find, poking their noses into my business then use everything in context to ruin my life...

tell me... what satisfaction do you get in it? what's in it for you?

will you guys just drop the issue and live your lives?! stop pestering me! i don't give a damn about you anyway! i don't care who or what kind of people you are... as long as you are cool with me, i'm cool with you too... your background, your looks - i don't give a damn about that!

i never snooped around with whatever you guys are doing behind the forum, the clan, friendster or anything... in short, i never meddled in your affairs...

so it would really be good for all of us to just mind our own businesses and SHUT UP!

blissful greetings

2006-05-19T12:35:00.000-04:00

HAPPY 5TH WEDDING MONTHSARY!!

its really too bad that we can't be together today... but hey, its all part of the consequence, ain't it? so let's just take things lightly and see the brighter side of things... that we're still together even if they keep punishing us for it...

you know i love you, honey... i really do... and one day, all these complications will end... then we'll finally be together for good...

i love you so much...

lawsuit

2006-05-09T06:31:00.000-04:00

sue me for all i care...

you can't sue me for libel because i never mentioned any of your names and my entries pertaining to you were all "friends only" entries... so its not my problem anymore that your somehow software-capable dog was able to hack my account... i don't know... the point is that the traitor was able to retrieve my entries and emailed them to you... and just so you know, most of my lj friends don't even know who you are...

you can't sue me for libel because you yourself forwarded that email to certain people... therefore it is no longer my fault that other people were able to read it...

this is sickening... i just want to lash out and massacre all of you... for being selfish snoopers who just refuse to leave me alone...

you want me gone? why don't you kill me yourself? won't that be satisfying enough? or will it bother your conscience to the point of making you commit suicide?

or maybe you want me to commit suicide for you evil pleasure?

you sly evil witch!

first, you destroyed my friendship with one of my most trusted friends in college... then you used him to get information about the things we do or plan to do... and now you're gonna sue me for ranting in my blog that is actually locked to be viewed only by my closest friends?!

and you say i'm the one who deceives people... go look in the mirror and see for yourself!

i will control myself... i will not stoop down to your level... i will keep my sanity...

and i hope i will keep my word...

once lestat takes over, you're the one who's gonna be saying your prayers...

2006-05-06T02:13:00.000-04:00

great expectations... too much expectations...

so i chose not to expect but just hope... thinking it would somehow make me feel better when it gets all fucked up in the end...

but do you have any idea how much it fuckin' hurts when none - totally NONE - of them actually happens?

don't blame me for hating you...

hard to resist

2006-04-29T11:53:00.000-04:00

i was already relaxing on my bed, watching tv and doing my best to keep my mind off her... i was damned irritated... first, at her mom for disturbing me... then, i was pissed off at her for making me worried sick... i then decided to go online and rant here in my blog...

she went to the FC event at Asilo (its at UN Ave. in Manila) as a volunteer... i made sure she got there safe... at the same time, i kinda entrusted her to our friend soulsifter, especially about accompanying her home or at least giving her directions how to get back home...

the event was up to 5 PM... i kinda assumed she'd be back home by 6:30 PM since its a saturday... and yes, i was expecting that she'll text me as soon as she gets back...

it was already 7 PM, still no word from her... i was already panicking... i texted my friend with whom she's currently staying... after thirty minutes, there was still no reply...

to finally calm myself down, i asked my friend to call up the house and ask if my girl has already got back... well, i got a satisfactory answer...

and i lost my temper...

online, i logged in to ym... i got two offline messages, both from her, apologizing for not being able to text or call me that is already safe at home... when i checked the time, she sent it to me at 10:16 PM...

and i logged in an hour later...

i almost shoved the keyboard onto the monitor...

then i logged in at FC, to check on the event aftermath... and there was a post from my beloved... in her post, she apologized to me first before commenting regarding the event then apologized to me again...

need i say i forgot about my rants?

so, here i am, all cool and calm...

and i still can't believe why i just can't stay mad at her... when she sweet talks me... when i see or just imagine her smile and her touch...

i forget about everything else that's going on around me, she becomes my world and i melt with her...

indescribable

2006-04-24T12:30:00.000-04:00

i know this post will be deemed useless...

there are just no words to describe how devastated i am right now... and that is just the tip of the iceberg...

i'm just digging deep down to my soul to gather all the strength left in me so that i would be able to live another day in hopes of seeing her... because right now, i'm sinking deeper and deeper into the pit of despair, slowly losing all hope and sanity...

they can't take her away from me... i will never allow it! they can do whatever they want but they will never find a way to separate us...

i have faith in us, in our love... this is something i have lived my life for... if it also means that i have to die for it or because of it, then so be it...

our families refuse to listen, to understand... they all believe we are not good for each other, that we are just ruining each other's lives with this stupidity we are indulging in... they demand that we end the relationship then stop any means of communication...

that is worse than sending us to the death row...

something inside me is telling me to give up... leaving her would relieve me of all the hassles and complications... it would make things easier for both of us...

but no... i let that voice at the back of my head to dominate and take over... it may sound selfish but i refuse to leave her... no matter what the circumstances, i don't care... i just don't care at all...

i love her... that is all i need to make me stay...

with all that is left of me, i will fight until death consumes me whole... even if it means rotting in this pit for the rest of my life...

because i know, we will both end up happy in heaven anyway...

of rare decency

2006-04-20T10:39:00.000-04:00

of unreliable technology

uncontrollable disconnections
and rare decent conversations

a salute to the vision
creativity, imagination and passion
decreasing the radius
sarcastically

signals in the sky fade
rain drowns the flame
yet for the lack of wires
assures a message sent

the means do not always
justify the end

random thoughts due to boredom...

an anthem for loneliness

2006-04-19T01:33:00.000-04:00

i could make a song right now to describe exactly how i feel but i'm not in the mood to do so... yeah, its a serious case of lack of inspiration... and depession...

i miss my wife so much that its killing me... i would love to go right up to her doorstep, bang on the door and just jump on her the moment she opens it...

this whole situation is not really helping me enjoy the summer... i desperately need to be with her...

then there is the probabilty that dad will take the whole family to the province... damn it... that has just increased the distance between us!

now i wish i just took the damned tickets to japan and accepted the fact that they want me exiled... its practically the same thing they're doing now anyway...

a comparison between FC and PC

2006-04-12T05:25:00.000-04:00

it wouldn't be right if i say FilCosplay vs. PinoyCosplay... it is even more inappropriate to say or even think that there is a rivalry between the two forums...

but its only true to say that mike abundo copied the format of the FC forum then created his own forum...

aside from stealing the name (pinoycosplay is actually a yahoogroup formed way back, even before all the cosplay hype reached this point), mike even had the nerves to pattern his forum to that of FC's... if you do not believe me, check out the pinoycosplay forum then move to Filcosplay to see the similarity...

i know this is really late for me to react on the issue... but to come to a point that he already attacks certain "celebrities" of the community just for people to notice him? goddamn it, abundo... you're pathetic! an example of this is how abundo put up a link of hazel's LJ (of progeny fame) in his blog, specifically an entry about her work... he made it appear as if hazel was deliberately attacking her employer...

so what's the point of doing that?

goddamn it, you jerk... if you need publicity, you don't have to do it in other people's expense! sure, this entry could actually end up as a link in your blog since its all about you... yeah, you and your crap-size mental ability...

i don't know what your game is but it sure is one heck of damned stupidity... show up in one more convention and i'll make sure the cosplayers will not let you out looking the same way you went in...

your way, my way

2006-04-11T09:01:00.000-04:00

this one's for you, plushie...

Separated
Usher

If love was a bird
Then we wouldn't have wings
If love was a sky
We'd be blue
If love was a choir
You and I could never sing
Cause love isn't for me and you

If love was an Oscar
You and I could never win
Cause we can never act out our parts
If love is the Bible
Then we are lost in sin
Because its not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

If love was a fire
Then we have lost the spark
Love never felt so cold
If love was a light
Then we're lost in the dark
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport
We're not on the same team
You and I are destined to lose
If love was an ocean
Then we are just a stream
Cause love isn't for me and you

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

Girl I know we had some good times
It's sad but now we gotta say goodbye
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny
I can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I
I know it hurts so much but it's best for us
Somewhere along this windy road we lost the trust
So I'll walk away so you don't have to see me cry
It's killing me so, why don't you go

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life, and I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well, and I'll be fine
Cause we're better off, separated

after more than a year

2006-04-10T05:56:00.000-04:00

i have regained the top spot as fc's top poster!

no, not the poster that you put up on the wall...

yeah, i have finally regained the top spot after losing it to sephiroth last summer... i am 11 posts ahead of him as of now and i intend to increase the lead all summer as long as my pc cooperates with me...

and as long as there will be topics for me to reply to... hehehe...

in other news, i have just made the decision that will change my life forever... dramatic? no... its actually serious... just imagine how much an impact it has on my life to decide at such an early part of my life who i want to spend the rest of my life with... i'm only 19, with lots of years ahead of me... but then again, when you're sure, you're sure...

i just hope this won't turn out to be another foiled wedding plan of mine...

lately, i've realized that my eyesight's failing me like hell... damn it, its all fucked up! its been giving me headaches recently, meaning i need new glasses...

this, my friends, is the consequence of staying up all night chasing sephiroth's post count...

no looking back

2006-04-03T02:47:00.000-04:00

rey mysterio's the new wwe heavyweight champ!!

the title doesn't fit him though since we all know that rey's only a cruiserweight...

come to think about it, that actually makes a good storyline... batista's coming back to the wwe and of course he will try to regain the championship that he simply turned over due to his torn tricep... now, rey's the new champ and he happens to be batista's good friend and tag team partner right before he took his break...

so what i'm kinda confused about is how they will do so... i mean, what twist will the wwe writers come up with?

a) turn batista into a heel
b) have a little feud spark between batista and mysterio
c) let them remain friends and have their title match a friendly match
d) have a title match between mysterio and orton then make orton win to face batista

okay, those are my guesses, no guarantee in there...

as for john cena still the wwe champ... all i have to say is this:

how in the world did cena manage to beat triple h?!

cena's already getting booed by wwe fans (just check the signs in the audience) and he has no new tricks up his sleeve... he keeps doing the same thing... yep, cena's act is getting boring...

that's the problem when you're playing the role of a face... you have to be a consistent good guy, making you boring in the process...

i'm hoping triple h will ask for a rematch and have them schedule it for backlash... and this time, triple h will definitely win... i hope...

new

2006-03-31T06:03:00.000-05:00

got me a new layout... its about time... haha! i know some people are glad that it ain't gackt...

the tagboard's back, due to insistent public demand... so feel free to post... if you want to trash talk me, feel free to do so through the tagboard...

catch you later...

help

2006-03-27T02:38:00.000-05:00

it isn't helping that everywhere i go, everything seems to remind me of her... it also ain't helping that my family's actually celebrating that we broke up...

i'm more than just pissed off right now... the whole world is happy that i'm dwelling in my loneliness and i cannot do anything about it...

we still talk although not as often as before... we just text each other, checking on how we're doing so far... and so far, it ain't good... she's kinda getting sick and i'm being insulted by my family...

i would be lying if i said i don't miss her... i was with her almost everyday for three months!

although there is no assurance that what we would actually be able to pull this off, we're still hoping for the best... its all we can do...

i can only try my best to get my mind off her... at times, it actually works but usually, it doesn't...

giving up on nothing

2006-03-05T01:53:00.000-05:00

i'm too stressed out to even bother worrying about my lovelife... unfortunately, that's exactly what i'm doing right now...

things just seem really different nowadays with her... i know i'm busy with my academics and she has to tend to her needs now that she's living independently... but does it mean we can't compromise? does it mean we have to set aside our relationship for something that we can just do together?

our conversations now range from how our kitten is so cute to my rants about my academic standing... that's basically it... and it sucks... then there's our really short SMS that are composed of "how are you"s and "have you eaten breakfast/lunch/dinner yet?"s that i think is silly since we both know that we have so much to say...

i'm getting the feeling that i no longer want to put up with this... its been two weeks! how can she not notice? its really hurting me... i sit down with my books, pretending i'm studying when in reality, i'm just holding back my tears... i really want to spend quality time with her...

oftentimes i catch myself just staring at her, amused at the fact that she's the girl i fell in love with... when she sees me doing this, i just smile at her and look away sheepishly... then she goes back to whatever it is that she's doing...

yeah, i'm just physically with her... she's right beside me but i can't feel her presence...

hell, i miss her... in more ways than one...

she knows i can drop even my comparative anatomy book just so we can talk about whatever it is that she has in mind... but hell no...

i've been traded for a kitten...

guess i'd have to trade her for my comparative anatomy book then...

i'm starting to hate this relationship...

out of faith

2006-02-19T01:06:00.000-05:00

this is the part where i start doubting myself, especially my own heart...

my deception and lies are now taking its toll... i'm in too deep to back out now... the sacrifice has to be done - it is necessary at this point... but never did i imagine that this time, i would have to sacrifice my own heart for the sake of happiness...

it is the type of happiness that you would beg the heavens for and would prefer to die for than to live without... it is all you'll ever need...

yes, this is my necessary evil... it is against my will but it must be done in order to prevent the situation from getting worse... as usual, it is not going to be easy... though i still do not know how exactly i'm going to do it, just thinking about it already crushes my whole being...

i may be a heartbreaker but i never liked it... i am ashamed to be labelled as one and i do not wish to live my entire life that way...

thieves of the j-community

2006-01-27T22:44:00.000-05:00

let this be a warning and a proof of how united the j-community can get... so thieves/detractors, beware...

A Warning for Philippine-based fandom groups
as posted by Polidread in the pinoy_cosplay ML, jan. 07, 2006

During the last quarter of 2005, MIKE ABUNDO bought the domain and
created

an online cosplay forum answering to the name "PINOYCOSPLAY.COM"

doing so, he has bypassed an already existing yahoo emailing list named

PINOYCOSPLAY, which was already active and in existence in the year 2000,

during the years following the first major anime conventions in the

Philippines (ANIME EXPLOSION & ANIME QUEST of the years 2000 - 2002)

Members of pinoycosplay mailing list who are also active administrative

members of FILCOSPLAY.TK, (a cosplay forum created during 2002, and thus

older than pinoy cosplay) pointed this out to Mike Abundo.

Mike Abundo denies his knowledge of the existence of the pinoycosplay ML,

saying if it existed it was an old and inactive group anyway, and it did

not register highly in Google searches.

When NOELLE DE GUZMAN, founder of the pinoycosplay ML, spoke with Mike

Abundo, he admitted that he did not, in fact, make a google search for
the

keyword term "pinoycosplay" before buying the .com domain and creating
the

forum.

Mike Abundo, in the latter part of the conversation with Noelle de
Guzman,

proposed that the pinoycosplay ML merge with his pinoycosplay.com forum,

saying the mailing list would benefit from the boost of traffic that
would

soon visit his pinoycosplay.com site, claiming that his .com site was far

more accessible to people everywhere.

Noelle De Guzman rejected the offer and said the Pinoycosplay ML will not

be affiliated with Pinoycosplay.com under any circumstance. Mike Abundo

chose to keep the name of his .com site, saying that he has already

invested his monetary resources into the creation of his forums which, in

reality, uses the format given by the invision.net service providers on

the creation of an online bulletin board/forum.

Mike Abundo bought the site domain name pinoycosplay.com to lead to the

www.invisionfree.com/pinoycosplay forum.

Since then, Mike Abundo, who is also a member of Filcosplay forums, a

cosplay oriented forum not unlike his own pinoycosplay forum, has

frequently made various attempts to lead members of the Filcosplay forums

to his own pinoycosplay forums by posting his site links within the
threads

of conversation in the Filcosplay forum, often times in a blatant manner

thru hotlinking and making off-topic posts that pertain to his
pinoycosplay

forum site.

additionally, Mike Abundo has often criticized the Filcosplay forums by

emphasizing the advantages of his Pinoycosplay forum - like
accessibility.

Pinoycosplay forums do not require member registreation to enter, in

contrast to Filcosplay forums which require this. Mike Abundo claims that

this enables more user traffic to his pinoycosplay.com site as this

registers higher on Google searches and has more memory recall than a
long

series of link names like filcosplay's "WWW.INVISIONFREE.COM/FILCOSPLAY"

link.

Also, as filcosplay uses the "WWW.FILCOSPLAY.TK" link as an
alternative to

its original "WWW.INVISIONFREE.COM/FILCOSPLAY" link, Mike Abundo claims

that some people would have difficulty going to filcosplay, as the

filcosplay.tk link suffers from regular downtime, unlike his

pinoycosplay.com site, which is a more direct connection to his own
forums.

The filcosplay forum moderators have generally ignored Mike Abundo's

actions, reprimanding him only when his actions were excessive, but
allowed

him to remain a member of the filcosplay forums.

-----------

Early this january 2006, the Filcosplay forum moderators have found out

that Mike Abundo has bought the domain name of "WWW.FILCOSPLAY.COM" and

uses this as a link to his own pinoycosplay.com forums.

When Mike Abundo is confronted by the moderators of Filcosplay, he
says he

will gladly give the www.filcosplay.com domain to filcosplay, only
when the

moderators make a public announcement of Mike Abundo's "generous
donation"

to filcosplay.

As of this writing, many filcosplay members have aired their concerns
over

Mike Abundo's actions.
Meanwhile, the Filcosplay forum moderators are making plans with how
to act

against Mike Abundo's virtual act of cyber terrorism.

----------

Other anime/manga/cosplay/fandom related groups should be warned against

making future connections or working with Mike Abundo. Take utmost care

against this person and his underhanded dealings.

pertinent links to this report:

http://www.invisionfree.com/filcosplay or
http://www.filcosplay.tk
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/pinoy_cosplay/

http://www.mikeabundo.blogspot.com
http://filcosplay.com
http://www.pinoycosplay.com

The Filcosplay.tk vs Mike Abundo update...
as posted by eva_guy01 at the pinoy_cosplay ML, jan.08, 2006

Mike Abundo strikes again, replying to Filcosplay's allegation of
internet identity theft.

In a nutshell, FC moderators and members has expressed their concerns
and disgust against Mike's actions: In December 20, 2005 he bought the
Filcosplay.com domain and LINKED/REROUTED it to his PINOYCOSPLAY forum.

In return Mike (in my opinion) has responded in vague and off-point
answers. But for every answer he gave, more questions arose, whereas
the flow of logic stemming from his reasons for his actions seemed
flawed and to my opinion, rediculous.

Already some of his own forum members from Pinoy Cosplay forum had
visited the Filcosplay thread. One even went on for several pages
defending Mike, only to be shot down by Mike himself with posts
contradicting the PC member's attempt to clear his name.

Now Mike Abundo has shifted the topic to now seemed to be an offer:

He will donate the dotcom domain, in exchange for adding his name in
the Filcosplay forum announcement thread as the official Filcosplay
dotcom donator, and that it should be pinned so everyone can see.

The response was anonymous, a big fat NO. But the mods insisted on
making this black and white by making an official polling by the mods
themselves.

The result came in today: out of 19 mods, smods and admin, 12 have
voted to NO. And for the record, nobody has yet to vote for YES.
Even if the voting wasnt complete, the fact that more than half of the
total FC officer membership has voted to NO clearly states it.

Filcosplay has decided to keep its TK domain, and now has announced
that Mike Abundo is no longer welcome in Filcosplay.

For more information, you may go to http://www.filcosplay.tk and check
out the Filcosplay/RealWorld/Chitchatters/Filcosplay.com thread. I
must warn you, its was 12 pages long in just less than 24 hours.

not again

2006-01-24T06:35:00.000-05:00

yes, i'm confused...

there are always those little facts that you tend to overlook or simply choose to ignore but in the end, your mind will keep going back to those facts until you totally lose it... because deep in your heart, you know what you really want but you stick to your decision - you want to be stubborn and prove that you're right...

i don't know what to do... i'm torn again...

withdrawal

2006-01-21T23:22:00.000-05:00

it takes a lot of getting used to but i came through... but i do admit the whole process was ugly...

i'm still quite torn between my emotions... there's this part of me who wants to do something good just for the heck of it... not that i don't like it... its just that its uncalled for...

as for the other feeling, its the same feeling i've been familiar with for as long as i can remember... and you know damn well that its not pretty...

i can always choose the latter whenever i want... its quite easy, actually... all i have to do is flare up, trash talk everyone and go hunt for them with a knife...

i've already forgotten everything... except you...

and it hurts me that we have to go on like this...

you know what? i'm really upset we had a little misunderstanding on our supposed-to-be first year together...

january 21, 2005... how can i forget?

at ease

2006-01-18T23:35:00.000-05:00

its really damned stressful to work - or at least study like this...

i haven't been able to get any decent sleep since december... i figure my system is already used to staying awake 24/7... i no longer need coffee whenever i need to stay up all night to study...

it has been a damned semester... it really sucks that our prelims is simultaneous with the school's university week... while we're sweating blood in the classroom, the rest of the student body will be jamming and having fun...

talk about being in the best college in the university... no wonder the other colleges consider us nerds and geeks...

as for my lovelife, i'm proud to say that everything's going alright... i'm about to be a father! i'm really excited about it... not everyone gets the chance to be in my position right now... a kid with my beloved girlfriend... though we both say that were already married - just not in church...

that's what's keeping me going despite all these hectic academic stuff i'm having... the responsiblity i'm gonna be having in a copuple more months will kill me if i don't fix my life...

gotta graduate! i can't flunk! no way! on to med school!

another song

2006-01-08T11:12:00.000-05:00

Stoned From Watching A Movie So Now I Watch My Own (Guilty)

another song to write
on this more than lonely night
mere traces of the past
run like rolls of film in my mind
the softness of your skin
creeps onto mine as i lay in bed
our music slowly plays
as i watch what could have been

everything has been said and done
no one can tell if its right or wrong
i just did what i thought is best
heaven knows what would happen next
i can't tell you what you should do
you're not me the same way i'm not you
but you should know this isn't easy
you just keep making me feel guilty

oftentimes a story
just has to end in a tragedy
when you're a step ahead
you pretty much know how it ends
when you're in the rerun
you would want to change the story

then i start to cry
begging for help, screaming
the sacrifice was made
now waiting if it was worth it

everything has been said and done
no one can tell if its right or wrong
i just did what i thought is best
heaven knows what would happen next
i can't tell you what you should do
you're not me the same way i'm not you
but you should know this isn't easy
you just keep making me feel guilty

check up

2006-01-01T23:55:00.000-05:00

good evening, mr. valmont

oh... its you again...

i see you're back in your oh so familiar lair of despair...

looks like i really am... but i'm here not because i'm miserable... i'm here because i'm furious...

yet again? then you are in need of my services

what's make you think i'll go back to you?

are you asking me that, josh? you know as well as i do that we are invincible when we're together... we are a team, a very good team... we do great things, just you and me...

you call making people miserable great? you think i will let you talk me into drawing blood again? you have the nerve to tell me that i need you to turn my life around?

if that's how you see it, then yes...

i locked you up eaons ago...

but you set me free again... just like you always do... you love my company! you love how i empower you with so much wrath that you turn into the devil that you really are!

i'm not as evil as you are...

you're still evil... not like me, but still evil... what difference does it make?

i've changed my ways...

you can't fool me! i can read your mind and i see nothing but blood... i can feel your heart and it has nothing but hatred... your feet are aching to run after your enemies the same way your hands are craving to feel the limp bodies of those who have offended you...

i hate it when you talk like that...

you only do because i'm right... right?

want to go out on a hunt, lestat?

december love

2005-12-29T22:05:00.000-05:00

12gatsu No Love Song
Gackt

itsuno ma ni ka machi no naka ni juuni-gatsu no awatadashisa ga afure
chiisana te o furinagara taisetsu na hito no namae o yobu

koibito-tachi no yasashisa ni tsutsumarete kono machi ni mo sukoshi hayai fuyu ga otozureru

taisetsu na hito dakara zutto kawaranai de waratteite
daisuki na hito dakara zutto kimi dake o dakishimete...

Show-window o mitsumenagara kata o yoseau futari ga toorisugiru
kimi no koto o machinagara shiroi toiki ni omoi o noseru

miageta sora ni konayuki ga maioriteitazura ni futari no kyori o sotto chikazukeru

shizuka na yoru ni mimimoto de sasayaita ano kotoba o mou ichido sotto tsubuyaita

taisetsu na hito dakara zutto kawaranai de waratteite
daisuki na hito dakara zutto kimi dake o dakishimete...

itsumade mo dakishimete...

kimi dake o dakishimete...

Translation:

December Love Song

Before you know it, the city's overflowing with the December hustle and bustle
While waving your small hand, you call out the name of your precious person

Enveloped in lovers' kindness, winter visits this city just a little bit early

You're my precious, so forever, always, smile
You're my beloved, so I will always hold only you...

While looking at a show-window, two people pass by, arms around each other
While waiting for you, thoughts ride off on white breaths

As powdered snow dances down from the towering sky, our distance softly closes

In the silent night, I whispered into your ears, once again I softly murmured those words

You're my precious, so forever, always, smile
You're my beloved, so I will always hold only you...

I will hold you forever...

Hold only you...

December Love Song (english version)
Gackt

The evening lights, coloring the nights busy avenues,
down the street brings back memories of you.

Now I am watching, as lovers pass me by,
finding your shadows, in the views of my eyes

Now I am here, all alone
Remembering the time we used to laugh together
in the fall of the cold
I still think of you,
Wondering if you feel the same

Save, your smile for me,
even although you cry for me
Remember me and love me always

Love, and smile for me,
Hold on to all that we had
remembering and love me again

I'm so depressed living , a quiet life now,
There is no one here, in which to hold hands,
or protect me from the cold
Feeling like this loneliness will tear me apart
I am waiting and looking for you voice
To get me out of the dark

Snowflakes fall like the tears that running down my face
I wanna hold you just one more time
I think of you night and day
Wondering if you feel the same

Being in the silence of the night
Fall into my arms and I'll hold you so tight
My kiss will guide our missing hearts
and tell me you'll love again

Save, your smile for me,
even although you cry for me
remember me and love me always

Love, and smile for me,
Hold on to all that we had
remembering and love me again

you know how much i love it when you smile... but its not as much as the way i love you...

encounters

2005-12-21T17:09:00.000-05:00

letting go doesn't mean you stop loving that person because once you do, that means you were never really in love - you were just infatuated...

i wanted to hold her... i ached to at least touch her...

but seeing her like that, i immediately stopped myself... wrong move, dude... then i just let the beautiful memories slowly drift away...

i avoided her gaze most of the time... tears have no place in this situation... when you're in the presence of your present and the shadow of your could-have-been, one has to be strong...

my feelings were all jumbled that night... there are things one should do but chooses not to, all in the name of duty and obligation... but most importantly, out of sheer respect... it was not easy, i tell you... i had a very excruciating debate going on inside me the whole time and it was between my heart and my mind... it wasn't very pretty, believe me...

when she took off my cap, it was more than enough to kill me... i took a deep breath and gave tipped off to my mind... no can do, my heart... not this time...

but that was the only time... the last time...

you still own a part of me...

Beautiful Alone

Koyasu Takehito
toge no aru kotoba dake
kono machi wa utsushiteru itsumo
meguri au hito ga nagareru

Bitter words
Are all this city has to show
And the crowds blindly brushing by

shinjitara kuzuresou
fuan dake dakishimeru hibi yo
moshi mo koko ni anata ga
itara hanasanai no ni

If you believe, beliefs will crumble
In these anxious days
But, if you are here
I will not let you go

Miki Shinichirou
tokei no oto ni oi-kakerareru
wasureru koto de kyou no hi wo
boku wa ikite iru yo

Let the tick of the clock pursue me
But I will live all of today
With what I forgot of before.

Weiß
anata to boku to no sabishisa wo
kasaneru you ni shite kuchizukeru
futari ga itameta kizuato ga
utsukushii wakare wo tsugeru darou

Your and my loneliness
Presses heavily like a kiss
The scars of being together
Tells us of a beautiful parting.

Seki Tomokazu
nayamashii yoru dake ga
ai no kage shitte iru kitto
michikakeru tsuki wo samayou

Only the melancholy nights
Understand the shadow of love
With the moon to guide us, we fall astray

eien ga owattara
munashisa ni tsutsumareru sotto
sora ni kieru tsubame no
tsubasa boku ni attara

If even forever can end
Then futility surrounds us, gently
If only I could have the wings
Of the swallow disappearing in the sky

Yuuki Hiro
shizuka na ame ni yasashiku yureru
nanika wo motome sono kawari
boku wa ai wo nakusu

Swaying in the gentle quiet rain
I seek something, and in exchange
I'll set aside even love

Weiß
anata to boku to no kanashimi wo
itawari-au you ni dakishimeru
futari ga nozoita omoide ga
utsukushii kodoku wo egaku darou

Your and my sadness
Hurts like a tight embrace
And the memories of us together
Paint a beautiful loneliness

anata to boku to no sabishisa wo
kasaneru you ni shite kuchizukeru
futari ga itameta kizuato ga
utsukushii wakare wo tsugeru darou

Your and my loneliness
Presses heavily like a kiss
The scars of being together
Tells us of a beautiful parting.

messing up

2005-12-16T09:56:00.000-05:00

i haven't been attending most of my classes lately... although most of my reasons are "valid" (its all in the book, we ain't gonna do anything anyway, etc), my major reason doesn't qualify: i just want to spend time with her...

i got a huge sermon from my friends who found out about my little mischief... frankly, i appreciate their concern... i know i ain't the sharpest pencil in the box but i know i can catch up... i just need to get over this lazy state of mine...

heck, i need to stop being lazy about school...

as soon as my last class ends, i usually go with her to her place... i really like it there... her mom's really cool and i get along with her younger brother pretty well... even her cousins and uncle are getting used to seeing me in her room (its isolated from the house itself, their place is a compound)... i stay there til around 8:30 pm, that is if she doesn't beg for me to stay longer... when she does, i usually leave at around 10 pm...

with that, you now all know that i come home awfully late at night, with no time to study or even do my assignments... actually, that ain't true... because i do all that stuff in her place... see? i ain't really neglecting my studies...

so, how is it goin' so far? i can't say much yet but i know i'm quite happy with her...

lost forever

2005-12-12T09:19:00.000-05:00

LOST HEAVEN
L'arc~en~Ciel

Whoa! Kasaneawaseta yume wo daite hate shinai rakuen he
Mou nakusu mono sae mitsukaranai kakenuketa haruka na michi
Nani hitotsu utagau koto mo shiranakatta ne

*
We'll say goodbye,lost Heaven.
How we longed for Heaven.
We're letting go of something we never had.
Time goes so fast,Heaven is lost.
*

Te wo nobashi tsukanda yume wa sotto kuzureyuku suna no shiro
Tada tachitsukushiteta wakaremichi hohoemi wo nokoshite
Kiete itta kimi ga egaku rakuen he to

We'll say goodbye,lost Heaven.
How we longed for Heaven.
We're letting go of something we never had.
Time goes so fast, Heaven is lost.

Hitotsu ni narenai ukanda hoshikuzu hitotsu no shuuen ni akai hanataba wo

Kakedashita shisen no saki ga shinkirou demo
We'll say goodbye,lost Heaven.

We'll say goodbye,lost Heaven.
How we longed for Heaven.
We're letting go of something we never had.
Time goes so fast,Heaven!

(Repeat *)

I wish you good luck. I still remember every day.

Translation

Whoa! Embrace your overlapping dreams toward an endless paradise
No longer can we find things we've lost as we run through this distant road
We had nothing to doubt

*
We'll say goodbye,lost Heaven.
How we longed for Heaven.
We're letting go of something we never had.
Time goes so fast,Heaven is lost.
*

The dreams we raised our hands and caught are softly crumbling like a sandcastle
We stood still at the crossroads, and left our smiles behind
You've disappeared, now, to the paradise that you drew

We'll say goodbye,lost Heaven.
How we longed for Heaven.
We're letting go of something we never had.
Time goes so fast, Heaven is lost.

Throw a red bouquet at the end for the floating stardust that couldn't become one

Even if we start running because we see a mirage
We'll say goodbye,lost Heaven.

We'll say goodbye,lost Heaven.
How we longed for Heaven.
We're letting go of something we never had.
Time goes so fast,Heaven!

(Repeat *)

I wish you good luck. I still remember every day.

Arittake no Ai de // Love you with all I have
Gackt

Ima kou shite me wo tojiru to
Kimi no nukumori wo sagashiteiru
Tonari ni okizari ni sareta
Omoide ga sabishisa wo tsutaeru dake
Toki wa nagarete ashibayai ni kisetsu wa kawatte yuku keredo
Ano hi no mama no omoi de machi tsudzuketeiru
Mata deaeru koto wo

*
Arittake no ai de kimi no subete wo
Tsutsumikonde ageyou
Mou nido to kanashimi ga otozurenai you ni
Kimi wo mamoritai
*

Sayonara sae ienai mama ni
Itsukaraka bokura wa hanareteshimatta ne
Yoku nita senaka mitsukeru tabi ni
Ima demo mada sukoshi mune ga itai yo
Toki wa nagerete boku mo kimi mo otona ni natte yuku keredo
Ano hi no mama no futari de mata waraiaeru
Sonna hi ga kuru kara

(Repeat * x2)

Kimi wo mamoritai

Translation

Closing my eyes like this now
I'm searching for your warmth
I deserted it next door
The memories tell only a story of sadness
Time goes by too fast and the seasons turn, but
The memories and feelings of that day are still waiting
For when we meet again

*
With all the love I have
I will embrace everything you are
I won't let you feel that pain twice
I want to protect you
*

Without even saying goodbye
Before I knew it we were apart
Searching for a back that looked similar
Even now my heart still pains a little
But time flows on and we both became adults, however
The day where we can laugh together like we did back then
That day is coming

(Repeat * X2)

I want to protect you

done

2005-12-11T08:51:00.000-05:00

and so i ended it...

i wanted to say it in a really nice way but one thing led to another, causing me to lose it and let my temper take over... it was really harsh of me to do that, especially at this time when everything seems to be going wrong for her...

honestly, i don't want to do it... but there are choices to make and i ran out of time... so i made my decision...

i love them both to a certain degree - i can't deny that... but weighing the pros and cons helped me a lot in choosing who i should be with...

guess you can say i took the easy way out again... but you're wrong...

i did let history repeat itself... i let her go, with the exact same reason why i let phoebus slip right through my hands - her family would never understand...

differences

2005-12-08T10:47:00.000-05:00

appreciation... its so easy to say and show to someone... its even way easier to prove...

appreciation brings love... its the next stage... that is if you choose to lead it to that level... though a strong foundation is required, it is all up to both parties whether or not they will push through with it... therefore, there is a need for a mutual understanding...

sometimes, love just ain't enough...

all about the game

2005-12-07T10:52:00.000-05:00

its been quite a while since i last played serious baseball... i'm guessing that was two to three years ago...

well, i played it again today... boy, it still felt great! and i can't believe i still can do it as good as before... maybe even better now...

and i hit the homerun just like the way i always did...

new

2005-12-01T05:42:00.000-05:00

yeah, got me a new layout...

its gackt all over again... malice mizer merveilles days, i think...

obviously, i've removed the tagboard... neither did i put the "comments" part... because if you've got something to say to me, i'd rather have you say it to my face...

new layout, new life...

i guess its time for me to move on... perhaps i'm already too late...

love letter

2005-11-30T09:28:00.000-05:00

i know what i did was way out of line... God, it was so wrong... you trusted me but now, i feel like i don't deserve that trust... after all that we've been through, it seems like i haven't learned my lesson well enough...

but after two days of thinking things over, conditioning myself mentally and emotionally, and concentrating all my energy in my heart, for the love of heaven, i'm ready...

all that i ask is for you to trust me once more... i know it won't be an easy thing for you to do but have faith in me... i won't let you down no more...

i don't want to say anything else... i'd rather put it all into actions...

i love you... i hope you still believe that...

confusion

2005-11-29T06:12:00.000-05:00

i told her everything that i could say... and believe me, it wasn't easy...

this looks and feels so familiar... simply because it has happened before...

the situation dragged me on to drastic but stupid measures... i flirted, entertained and tolerated this other girl's feelings for me even if i already had a girlfriend by my side... all because she was never around to look after me... all because she was too scared to let her feelings show... all because she knew her family doesn't like me for her...

i knew i was wrong but i was too much of a coward to tell her what i've been doing behind her back... so when she found out from a mutual friend, she left me...

and i can't blame her for doing so...

now that i'm getting the feeling that history might repeat itself, i'm already allowing myself to dwell in misery...

crushed

2005-11-25T12:55:00.000-05:00

here i go again... damn it.. how many times do i have to go through this? its the same old story anyway!

i always find a reason to feel this way when its totally uncalled for... frankly, it sucks! because i'm giving myself problems that i know i should not even be worrying about! i'm actually the one creating the mess when everything is going right...

for the hatred of hell... i'm killing myself again...

stay

2005-11-20T09:15:00.000-05:00

i can't remember how many times i have tried to leave her... you know, those "spark of the moment" things when you suddenly want to do something or want it to happen, only to regret it in the end? that's what i usually go through...

i let my anger get the best of me though i always tell people to never make decisions when you're mad... fury is blinding, confusing - no matter how much you try to reason out with yourself...

you know what's weird? it was "her" who made me realize how wrong i was... she talked to me about it, and told me how stupid it was for me to walk away from my once in a lifetime...

would you believe me if i say i even consulted phoebus about it? i don't know, i just got a chance to talk to her the night after i made my stupid decision... she practically said the same thing - that it was something only a jerk would do... then she said the deciding factor, "don't let history repeat itself... you lost me before and it made your life miserable... then she happened... don't you think God's giving you another chance at happiness? think about it... don't let her slip away... don't let yourself go back to your miserable world - maybe even worse..."

going back wasn't easy... i've got pride to consider and its a big factor in my life...

but damn it, they were right... once in a ifetime is truly only once in a lifetime... how many lifetimes do i have anyway? what chance is there that i'll find her again?

how many chances do i have with true love?

this could be the one... wait... scrap that... she is the one...

neon

2005-11-10T09:48:00.000-05:00

maybe its about time that i accept that i'm just not really the one for you... so there's no need for me to even try to be one...

i can't make you change your ways... you don't have to do it for me... but i was hoping you could do it out of love for me... simply out of love...

did that love even exist? or was i just dreaming and now i've woke up to find out the truth?

or maybe i'm the one person who will always be deprived of love... always out of love...

i guess old habits really do die hard, huh?

then i guess its a good thing that my old habits haven't completely died yet... they're all just back there, waiting for me to embrace them again...

thanks for bringing me back to the reality i have always known...

stand alone

2005-11-04T23:02:00.000-05:00

i feel more alone than ever...

i really don't think everything's okay... somehow, something at the back of my head keeps telling i'm going back to the dark abyss where i belong... and its going to happen soon...

last night was pure torture... i tried to psych myself the best way i can... when i got frustrated, i almost pounded my head with a hammer, literally, for being so stupid, so weak, so pessimistic... the night felt longer than usual and i actually begged for sunrise in hopes that the new day will change things and how i feel...

unfortunately, it didn't...

without any sleep, i began my day... i tried to take my mind off things by drowning myself in j-rock, like i always do... its just that this time, it didn't work...

nothing could take my mind off it...

minutes turned into hours... after about 50 j-rock songs and one section of the kitchen raided, i gave up... and its only 10 AM! i gave in to the urge and let this sadness get the best of me...

i cried my heart out while trying to fight the biggest temptation of my life...

that's exactly what i'm still doing until now... check the time, folks!

"...and she said"...

yes Hyde, you do have a way with your lyrics... they always hit the mark...

stupidity

2005-10-31T23:36:00.000-05:00

this is supposed to be an entry i should've made yesterday but what the heck, i still feel the same way today anyway...

how many times do i have to tell myself never to read what i'm not supposed to read and never to look at what i'm not supposed to see?!

damn it! damn me for being the same stupid son of a bitch that i am!

i don't know what's gotten into me... it just keeps happening no matter how hard i try to convince myself that everything's alright... i guess seeing them like that makes me feel... like this...

my insignificant soul... fuck it, i'm drowning myself in self-pity again...

yes, i'm hurt... deeply hurt... that i could never change my fate... i'm gonna be stuck in this life forever and forever i'll live with this feeling...

everyone else will go on living their lives without a care while i'll stay stuck here with my emotions... i'll just watch them and envy their smiles as a couple deeply in love...

just like before...

i understand completely why this is happening to me... some things are simply meant to be... some things are not... i don't know where i stand though... maybe i'm just making myself believe that i am...

for the hatred of hell... what am i saying? what am i thinking? goddamn it!

the ghosts of my past are haunting me again... or maybe, they never even stopped doing so...

heads up

2005-10-30T20:54:00.000-05:00

well well... what do you know? it's already bittersweet november... that also happens to be the concert title of my friend's band at the music museum on november 5... that's this saturday already, right? if i check my calendar, probably yeah...

heck i'm sick... literally... must've been made worse by that damned rain yesterday... and its the first time i ever cussed over rain... i never really cared if i'm sick before... its just that... well... wrong timing, dude... totally...

by the way, pardon me for talking this way... its the effect of skateboarding all morning... and for the record, i didn't break any of my bones this time...

my mind's been reeling lately... over the current status of my life... overall, that is... generally, its going great but i ain't gonna say its perfect... just, y'know, better than before... not that i'm complaining...

i'm letting more and more peope into my secret... yeah, the biggest secret of my entire life... i trust those people though... i won't tell them if i don't... its just that i'm basically getting tired of playing this role and i'm beginning to, y'know, not want it anymore... i just want to call it quits... i mean, what's the point? i no longer have to go through it everyday... except for a few occasions, its already useless... it doesn't serve its purpose anymore...

come to think of it, there's no more purpose for it... no more reason...

this is me thinking out loud, not making any sense... but maybe i actually do... ain't it really funny if i just tell everybody the truth? but that would mean the end of me... i'd go extinct, if you catch my drift...

but who cares? nobody does anymore... this isn't the old days... come to think of it, a couple of people will do care... and they'll give themselves a little pat on the back for it...

forget it, i'm keeping it down low... hush, y'know...

it was around this time last year when i began to "resurrect"... i started resurfacing, told my closest "friends" i'm actually alright, that nothing happened... they almost beat the crap out of me but hey, they're glad my act was just an act...

but that was also when i started to lose everything...

i gained something in the end though... this little realization that taught me a lot... guess i can say it became my wonderwall...

but what the hell? i'm happy with the way things are going in my life right now... and that's one fact i can proudly say...

just an update

2005-10-28T06:21:00.000-04:00

two weeks since sembreak began... want a summary of how i spent those two weeks? sure!

easy... i just turned myself into a total bum... i sleep at dawn and wake up at noon... yeah, that's basically how those two weeks went... with a little forum posting there, a bit of j-movie marathon at the side and tons of kitchen-raiding...

but of course, there's always the romance of my life... which i learned from experience is not something i should put here since some people love to snoop around my love life and later meddle in it... so i'm gonna skip that part...

i got my grades and hurray for me, i passed organic chemistry and histology! sure, i got a measly 2.75 and 3, respectively, but who am i to complain? i passed and that's all that matters to me right now...

the new university online kiosk is pretty cool... aside from giving you your grades, it now also comes with your academic schedule, who you should prepare to kill for the next semester (yeah, the professors), the cash the college is supposed to rob from you (aka the tuition fee), and your profile which features your ID photo (which really sucks)!

so yeah, i got my schedule... and it sucks! together with the professors... i can't believe i have to go through sir i-only-talk-to-the-white-board-and-write-stuff again... for the hatred of hell! sure, he's a nice guy and all but i've had enough of passing the subject and practically learning nothing from him...

let's just say i only pass those exams because he gives multiple choice type of exams and i'm darn good at guessing...

i'm pretty worried about comparative vertebrate anatomy though... yeah, you read that right... comparative vertebrate anatomy... i don't mind comparing the anatomy of a turtle and a dog but the problem is that i had to suck up to my histology professor just so i could pass and now this? and how unfortunate can i be? our block ended up with the smartest guy in the department! he's a fuckin' genius that he has such high expectations from the classes he handles...

yeah, we're gonna get roasted... again...

how come our class is fuckin' unfortunate (what an understatement!) when it comes to professors?

man, one week left before second semester begins...

deeply... completely...

2005-10-18T06:53:00.000-04:00

i love you... i don't know any other way to say it... though at times i wonder if there is a word or feeling deeper than love... because that might be enough to capture the true essence of what i feel for you...

since the day this dream turned into a reality, it became a mystery to me whether or not this is meant to happen or not... think about it... i would not meet you if it wasn't for that dream i conjured... i would not even have an idea that you exist... although i admit that i regret hurting you because of my alter ego, i praise heaven at the same time for putting me through so much pain that i was forced to hide myself from the world...

i died so you could revive me...

i have never been this happy before... heck, i have not even felt like this before... its all so new to me but it feels so damn good... i welcome this change in my life - with an open mind and open arms...

arms that always long to hold you close to me...

what i feel now does not even come close to how i felt with my previous relationships... it is really different... in a way that i often find myself smiling sheepishly, only to blush eventually... my mind flies right to where you are or it begins to reminisce about the times we shared... whenever it seems like the world is against me, i just think of you and everything is alright again...

you are the happiness that i have denied from myself for so long...

assessment

2005-10-15T07:42:00.000-04:00

now that the semester's over, i hope it won't also mean the end of my academic life...

it has been one hell of a semester... and i really mean hell... with professors who torment us every single meeting, my org work adding up to the academic load, spending almost every weekend in school for org meeting, rehearsing my drum parts at home for a live band performance... yeah... you now have a picture of how my life went during the past four months...

as of now, i'm waiting for the result of my histology exam... fuck it... if i flunked that finals exam for the subject miserably, i'm gonna have to take it up again! and that's one thing i don't want to happen... i'm positive my folks will kill me as soon as i tell them...

good thing i passed organic chemistry lecture... i'm sure i got the chemical reaction sequence part in the exam perfectly... and that's a whopping 40 bogus points out of the 60 point exam...

as for sembreak, it doesn't look like sembreak to... i still have to constantly go to school for org meetings and other org-related work... then there's the band recording for the radio guesting, taping for a tv guesting, band rehearsals... all in three weeks...

yeah, i'm a very busy son of a bitch...

no exit

2005-10-03T03:54:00.000-04:00

jean paul sartre, you captured the very essence of my thoughts...

existentialism...

read his work/play "no exit" and you have the answers to the many questions that have been bothering me since the day i asked myself, "why was i even born?"

hell, one room, three people... each one denying or refusing to accept their fates... with nothing inside but pieces of furniture, they torture each other... but no, not through the use of torture devices... there were no whip, chains or any of the usual wound and pain inflicting stuff that we all know... well, there is a knife, only that it is made of paper...

why? simply because "hell is other people"... they torture you mentally, emotionally...

also, there is no mirror in the room... nothing that can tell you how you look like... but i presume you would not want to see how you look like dead, right?

my hell... that is right here, in this house... in school... anywhere i go... that is hell... those judgmental people who condemn me every chance they get... they pour out all of their hatred on me for a reason i simply cannot accept...

how can you judge someone you don't even know? you have etched my name on the doors of hell, cast my soul in its fiery flame... but you have no idea who i really am...

how can i thank you?

the mirror... i do not need a mirror to know that i exist... in fact, i hardly look at it... i don't find the need to... because i know that what i see in the mirror will always be different from what they see...

i know who and what i am... your opinions are welcome but don't expect me to believe them...

i told myself time and again that the population of the world does not matter... most of them merely exist... they do not live at all... living and existing are two different things... you exist simply because people know you are present in this world...

but you will only live once you have learned to love... truly... unconditionally...

again, i once declared, this life we live is purgatory... people are given another chance to do their unfinished business of asking for forgiveness and forgiving, of loving and teaching how to love, of guiding people to heaven and being their heaven...

at the same time, this life is hell... as i have already said, "hell is other people"... people will continue to make you fail in accomplishing your unfinished business therefore making you undergo the concept of reincarnation... also called the "test of faith", it will eventually lead one into the promised heaven...

you will live, die and get reborn until you accomplish your mission... that is the true concept of the ying and the yang... you will remain in the circle until you have removed the spots and completed the balance of nature, good and evil, heaven and hell...

without this, you will remain in purgatory and hell... no exit for you...

hate to admit it

2005-09-29T22:14:00.000-04:00

would you guys ever believe that i actually miss my brother?

yeah, i miss aki...

he's in japan right now... studying (finally!)... and he says he's gonna be there for three years... but he's also thinking of staying there for good... with his dad, i hope...

i suddenly missed him... i guess that's because this friend of mine happens to know him as well and she got me to talk about him... the conversation went on and on to think that it all started when we saw this mouse and i said, "meron din akong ganyan, ang taba nga eh."

and she asked me, "talaga? ano name?"

"aki."

"why aki?"

"because my brother's name is aki and people call him a rat."

"suddenly i remember my friend aki..."

"really? maybe i know him... ano last name?"

"i can't remember eh..."

"is it the cosplayer aki?"

"yeah... we met nung animax convention last year, he cosplayed akabane..."

"you mean aki yahiko gouto? he's my brother!"

to think that we almost killed each other because of my now ex-girlfriend... who would've though that we'd get along like this? we used to hate each other... only to eventually find out that hey, this "sibling thing" could work since we're basically into the same stuff...

miss those times he'd "drag" me out of bed just to talk to him online, play dungeons and dragons, scheme, let out all our frustrations, tease each other, goof around... those random phone calls just to check on me...

those small things really made me believe that he treats me better than the way he treats his real brother, nikoli....

last night, i was actually waiting for him to go online... just to check on him... see if he's doing okay in school and if he's getting along fine with his dad...

but he didn't...

maybe i'll have better luck during sembreak...

rightfully not mine

2005-09-22T21:51:00.000-04:00

why the hell am i reacting this way? i really shouldn't care, should i?

she was never mine in the first place, right?

i hate this... i fucking hate all of it...

i tried reasoning out with myself... it works all the time anyway... except with this... my mind's way too clouded...

no cloud nor squall shall get in my way... or so i say... but who am i kidding?

so i confess, i'm fuming... jealousy... insecurity... damn... how i hate the feeling... it gives me the creeps...

maybe i was just really not in the mood that night... then that happened... it really made my blood boil... you can't blame me there...

ignore those who just always make you feel bad... its the least you can do anyway... instead of letting your temper take over and speak for you...

or maybe i never really fell in the first place... maybe i'm just using this to escape every little fucked up thing that has happened in my life...

again, who am i kidding...

of course i love her... heck, why do i even try convincing myself that i don't?

here i go again, having a little argument with myself... it doesn't really hurt to be schizophrenic at times... as long as i don't go overboard...

really valmont, get a grip... go grab whatever it is that can make you feel better rather than rant all day about how fucked up your life is...

gloom and doom

2005-09-14T12:09:00.000-04:00

allow me to share this wonderful recipe...

hand me a cup of emptiness
a scoop or two of regret
decorate it with loneliness, frustration and despair
add a dash of depression to taste

and there you have it... a gloomy sundae...

WARNING: never ever listen to this song nor read the lyrics if you know you can't control yourself from committing suicide...

Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you

Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday

Sunday is gloomy
with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go

Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of
My heart
Dear

Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday

damn me and my pride...

curiosity

2005-08-27T02:05:00.000-04:00

i only wanted to know something... i've been whacking my head just to get the courage to ask you... jeez, this isn't the right time to get all shy and uneasy, right?

the yin and the yang... the balance of good and evil...

didn't it ever occur to you that you're getting in the dark side more and more each day?

though it may seem i'm not making any sense here, believe it or not, i am...

finally found it

2005-08-24T01:13:00.000-04:00

i've been wanting to do this for so long but i never had the courage to...

well, a lot of you guys probably know how much i like gackt... if it ain't obvious, go jump off a building...

if you really want to see me dance without me giving you a hard time with all the convincing and stuff, here's what you gotta do:

1. place me inside a glass cage and have chains around my wrists
2. have 10 beautiful caucasians surround the cage
3. play gackt's "vanilla"

hahaha! i'm not kidding!

all you basically have to do is sing vanilla and there you have it, a josh valmont dancing like a total loser... come on! i do it on the college corridor!

but that's for a fee of 100 bucks and lunch... hahaha!

Vanilla
Gackt

kimi wa seijitsu na moralist
kirei no yubi de boku wo nazoru
boku wa junshi na terrorist
kimi no omou ga mama ni kakumei ga okiru

koi ni shibarareta specialist
nagai tsume wo taterareta boku
ai wo tashikametai egoist
kimi no oku made tadoritsu kitai

kimi no kao ga toozakeru
ah boku wa boku de nakunaru mae ni

aishite mo ii kai? yureru yoru ni
aragamama de ii yo matto fukaku
kurushii kurai ni nareta kuchibiru ga tokeau hodoni
boku wa...kimi no...vanilla

"...nante kido risugi" sonna cool na kimi wa plastic
atsui menazashi ni wa ecologist
sono moeru kuchizuke ga modo kashii

yugandeiku kimi no kao ga
ah boku ga boku de iraremasu you ni

aishite mo ii kai? yureru youru ni
arugamama de ii ya moto hayaku
kurushii kurai ni nureta kuchibiru ga kotoba nante mou
kimi to boku not burning love

ah itsuka asa e mukaereba
ah yoru wa owaru no darou ka
ah sora ni chiribamerareta
ah shiroi hana ni kakomarete yuku

aishite mo ii kai? yureru yoru ni
arugamama de ii ya ' i've seen a tail'
kuyashii kurai ni kimi ni hamatteru no ni
a crew sees cring knees
i wanna need not betry!!
aishite mo ii kai? tureru yoru ni
arugamama de ii ya motto kimi wo
kuruoshii kurai ni nareta koshi tsuki ga tokeau hodo ni
kimi wa...boku no...vanilla

Translation:
You’re an honest moralist
You trace me with your pretty finger
I’m a pure terrorist
Your thoughts are rising like a revolution

A specialist bound by romance
Long fingernails got me erect
An egoist who wants to confirm love
I want to struggle on until I’m inside of you

You keep yourself at a distance
ah...Before I get lost in myself

Is it okay to love, too? In the shaking night
It’s good as it is
More...Deeper
As those almost maddening lips I’ve gotten used to melt together
I am...Your...Vanilla

"...you’re too affected"
You’re cool like plastic
With hot looks like an ecologist
those burning kisses are irritating

Your distorting face is
ah...I’ll do it myself

Is it okay to love, too?
In the shaking night
It’s good as it is
More....Faster
The almost painful lips I’ve gotten used to are just words
You and I are not Burning love

ah...If we welcome how many mornings
ah...Will the nights probably stop
ah...Scattered in the sky
ah...White flowers surround us and die

Is it okay to love, too?
In the shaking night
It’s good as it is
"I’ve seen a tail"
It’s almost embarrassing I’ve fallen for you
A crew sees cring knees,
I wanna need. Not betray!!

Is it okay to love, too? In the shaking night
It’s good as it is
More...You are
As those almost maddening hips I’ve gotten used to melt together
You are...My...keeper

before the song ends, i'd probably have taken my shirt off... or more... hahahaha!

sorry, that's the effect of having sleepless nights...

in tribute

2005-08-22T10:38:00.000-04:00

my current frustration... i don't know if i still have the courage to listen or even perform this song...

Half Pain

Tatoeba dokomade modorebaii? Oshiete
Subete wa Itami wo tomonauhodo azayaka

Hontou wa Wakeaerumono nantenaikara furikaeranakatta

fall into a light sleep Watashi ni michiru
I don't carry out yakusoku wa yagate
Itsukano Kagayaki suteta
Kaerenai asa no hikari noyou

Tsumetai kokoro no soba ni iruyo Kogoete
Tsuzuki wa kobamenaikurai hora asahaka

Kitsukazu ni kaketa kanjou hiroi atsumete Yurushi wo motometara

fall into a light sleep Hitori no yoru ni
I'm beginning to learn kanashimi no shikumi
Anata no Nukumori kakushi
Afuredeta sonoyami ni obieru

fall into a light sleep Watashi ni michiru
I don't carry out yakusoku wa yagate
Itsukano Kagayaki suteta
Kaerenai asa no hikari noyou

Translation:
How far back should I have to go? Tell me.
Everything is so painfully vivid.

The truth is, we couldn't understand each other,
So I left and didn't look back

Fall into a light sleep, it encompasses my very being
I never carry out my promises
So long ago, I threw away my brightness
And like the light from the morning sun, it can never return.

It lies beside this cold heart, frozen
So completely mindless that it persists forever

Numbly, I gather the remnants of my emotions,
And searching for redemption, I...

Fall into a light sleep, on a lonely night
I'm beginning to learn the designs of sorrow
The hiding away of your warm presence
Makes me fear the overflowing darkness.

Fall into a light sleep, it encompasses my very being
I never carry out my promises
So long ago, I threw away my brightness
And like the light from the morning sun, it can never return.

i never wanted this to happen... i only wanted to protect you but it was this act that hurt you even more...

because i was actually the one breaking your heart...

fuming

2005-08-13T01:23:00.000-04:00

its about time i vent out all my anger... forget about forgiveness! forget about second chances! why, did they even bother to give me the same thing? hell no!

the devil could never change... that's what you all implied when you left me for dead...

you want to at least have an idea about how you all made me feel?

Perfect Blue
L'arc-en-ciel

mabushii taiyo ga boku no kokoro no
massao na sora no moto he tsure ta shiteyuku
dakedo kono machi chu niwa boku kara jyo o
ubate te nigeku hora anata wa dare?

donkan na sono egao no shita no wa tsumi battenai
onaji me ni awana kereba zenzen kimi wa ban ranainoka?

zonna tsukuri te hanashi made youi shite te ni ireta
okane nante toiki ke gasuruze
marude aga shingou o mou speed de hashiri nuketeku
Sunday driver mitaisa

donkan na sono egao no shita no wa tsumi ban tsutenai
onaji ma ni awana kereba zenzen kimiwa ban ranainoka?

bokuni dekiru kototo ni eba nakayubi otateru dake

donkan na sono egao no shita no wa tsumi ban tsutenai
onaji ma ni awana kereba zenzen kimiwa ban ranainoka?

kai i inu ni teo tegara mareteru marude zonna kibun dayone
ki gatsu kiba shisen darake NO NO kokowa dobutsuen janaiyo
on ku nige you minami no shima made nige you

translation:
the glaring sun is taking my heart out
in to under the deep blue sky
however this whole town is taking my freedom from me
running away, hey! who are you?
don't you see that sin under that insensetive smiling face
if you got a taste of your own medicine,
don't you understand at all?
going as far as preparing made-up stories like that
for getting money, I'm gonna be sick
it's as if running out of the red signal at fierce speed
like a Sunday Driver
The only thing that I can do is just put up my middle finger
like getting bit on the hand by my pet dog
like being betrayed by a man I looked after
it's that kind of a feeling if you notice,
look all around, NO NO this is not a zoo
let's run far away, until the south island
let's run away

i took every single blow and it took every single strength i had until i finally fell... but you forgot one thing: if i happened to resurrect once, i'll resurrect again to come after all of you...

the price for blood is also blood... i will only get over this whole issue once you feel my wrath...

now i walk to seek salvation for my soul... my minions are slowly being reborn and expect me to create more of them... allow them to feast on you... it is a compliment you would not get from anyone else...

Transylvania
Malice Mizer

Fukai kanashimi kara nagareru tame ni
Mizukara shi o manekou to shite ita
Demo sore wa ookina ayamachi datta

Tada yasuragi ga hoshikatta dake na no ni
Kimi no kodou o kono te ni kikinagara
(Soushite) shizukesa ni kawaru toiki no naka de yasuragi o
Youkou ni wakare o tsuge boku wa umare-kawatta

Hajimete miru yoru no utsukushisa ni boku wa naita
Soushite fukai nemuri kara mezameta toki
Kimi wa soba ni tatte ita

Ichido kanjita eien no yuuwaku wa fukaku...touku...nagaku
Amai kuchizuke o ima mo obiki-dasu

Kono uta...watashi ga aishita hito ga suki n de ita uta
Mou amai aida kiku koto wa nakatta
Kanojo wa watashi dake o nokoshite yutte shimatta
Mou ichido koe o kikasete kure...mou ichido

Drink from me and live forever
Eien ni tsuzuku atarashii sekai o te ni haireru tame ni
Kimi ga tsubuyaku subete no koto ni imi wa motanai

Translation:
In order to escape from deep sadness
I invited death onto myself
But that was a grave mistake

Although all I wanted was to rest in peace
As I listened to the pulsation of your heart with my hands
And the tranquility in the midst of your silently changing breaths
I bid farewell to the sunshine and was reborn

I cried upon seeing the beauty of the night for the first time
And when I awoke from my deep sleep
You were standing there beside me

The temptation of the eternity I felt then still entices my* kisses
Deep...far...sweet and long

While this song...the song my beloved loved to hear
Was still sweet it was left unheard
She abandoned me alone forever
Let me hear your voice once more...once more

Drink from me and live forever
In order to grasp a new world of everlasting immortality.
There is no meaning in your murmerings

i missed this... i missed plotting against people i once loved and cherished... i missed hearing people begging me to spare them, to give them another chance to make it all up to me... it is about time i let my old self resurface... with all that is going on, they deserve it...

do not expect me to spare anyone...

question of existence

2005-08-12T06:25:00.000-04:00

once more i'm traversing the path i promised not to tread again... but i chose to... i wanted to... and i'm enjoying every single minute of it...

i just remembered, i've been sulking for almost a week... i guess nobody really noticed...

the mask always works perfectly...

the days haunt me... yet i embrace the fear and use it as my strength... i let it fuel this anger i have been suppressing for ages...

no more mr. nice guy... its about time i start anew - by going back to my old life... hate is good... it makes you realize how truly worthless you are to everyone else... they hate me but not as much as i hate myself...

this time i stand alone... with a knife in my pocket... emotions make one weak, vulnerable...

i have regained my heart of stone and it couldn't get any better... maybe unless i strike again... and again... and again...

there is no possible way for me to forget everything... in fact, it has become my breeding and training ground... nothing could compensate for what i feel now...

who do you live for?

no more pain... no more tears... you asked for this, you got it...

i no longer care...

just like the weather

2005-08-11T10:31:00.000-04:00

there's absolutely nothing you can say that can hurt me... oh come on! i've heard every single insult there is to last me a lifetime... and yeah, i have already learned how to accept those insults and believe them to be true...

i ain't from hell... i'm the devil himself... all that is pure and evil...

forget about ruining my reputation nor my life... it's going to be useless... because there is nothing left to ruin... i no longer have a reputation - aside from being the worst creature that ever walked this earth - to protect and even if i still do, i really don't care... heck... i don't give a fuck! as for my goddamned life... well, it's already damned... and i'm living hell to the fullest...

don't you just appreciate how cruel fate is? its actually helping you out! damn... your prayers have been answered!

yeah, i'm throwing my life away... so what? who cares? like what aya used to say, "the care bears don't care!"... since care bears don't really exist, so yeah, nobody does care... so why should i? hahaha!

i ain't making sense... as usual...

sorry... it must be the alcohol talking... but i don't really have to apologize about that, do i?

so it spins, it whirls, it twirls... damn, it even breakdances! but more often than not, it just shatters and nobody bothers to pick up the pieces...

i love the hatred you're giving me...

born to do it

2005-08-08T02:08:00.000-04:00

i spent the whole night in the bath tub... i forgot to go to bed... perhaps it was because my whole body felt numb to the ice cold water - to think that i even put ice cubes just to add to the chill...

i just sat there all night thinking... my mind was literally flying at such a high speed i had to shake my head every once in a while just to get a grip of myself...

of course, you are all wondering why josh valmont is doing something really weird again...

definitely, i thought of the blade but then again, "don't make it thirteen"...

next to that came the gun but i remembered that i "must not attempt to commit suicide the next time"...

and so i opted for the freezing waters in the bath tub... it was something new anyway - for me at least...

my ass was definitely freezing but i didn't care... i hardly even noticed... i just kept wishing that the water would pierce through my flesh and reach my heart...

i was crying and begging for the pain to stop...

come on! josh valmont? you were born a jerk and you will die a jerk! you let yourself be called cupid? bastard! you don't even have a heart! you have no idea what love is! you are a selfish egoistic son of a bitch whose only purpose on earth is to hurt people... in fact, that's the only thing you're good at - hurting people... you are a killer... a murderer... you lure them into their own deaths with your seductive words... you enjoy seeing them in agony as you slowly do your dirty work... then, when you get sick of the whole thing, you put the finishing touch by putting that blade right across their throats... you sadistic beast... yes, you're not even human... you are an animal... why, you are even a killing machine!

who were you fooling when you said you can turn your back on your destiny? who were you fooling when you said you can change? who were you fooling when you said you have finally truly fallen in love?

face your doomed reality... accept your fate... love and everything good on earth is not for you... do not even dream of heaven... you are to have a living hell and eventually end up in hell...

you know you will end up killing her if you continue this...

it all played over and over inside my head... it rang on my ear... it beated on my chest... in the silence of the night, the debate against myself raged on...

the only warmth i felt was that of my own tears, flowing down my cheeks then on my chest... i cleared my mind by watching it mix with the cold water later on...

but the whole thing became a cycle... it gave me a headache...

yet which gives more pain: a headache or a heartache? that's not so difficult to answer, isn't it?

after six months, i started cursing myself again... i cursed the day i was born, the life i lived and the person i turned out to be... once more i wondered why i am even here, why i was raised in such a devilish way and why i have to feel such tremendous amount of pain everytime i try to turn my back on my so-called destiny...

i only want to be happy... what's so wrong with that? they say you will never know happiness until you know sadness or grief... then why after going through so much misery, i still can't get the happiness i have always wanted? don't i deserve it?

am i not really meant to know the true meaning of happiness? am i not really meant to share my life with someone else? am i not allowed to even know love?

if the answer is no, then why can't i do anything right when it comes to love? are they all supposed to just be with me until i eventually take away their lives?

the temptation to drown myself was very hard to resist... yet it occured to me that people don't really run out of chances, they just give up...

mind you, josh valmont is no quitter...

brand new issue

2005-08-06T09:37:00.000-04:00

maikecute18: tapos ni aki ikaw naman sisiraan...

isnt that such a warm welcome? after not being online for a couple of days, i would have to hold back my anger at whoever sent me that message...

a threat?

okay, its actually nothing new to me... it all started with filcosplay... when my rbother and i got along well, more attackers came my way... and now this... all because of my brother again, i presume...

but the question is why?

according to marsy, it might be because one of them more or less has a crush on me and wants to ruin my relationship with my plushie... but how did they even find out about that? only a few people know about this chapter of my love life and that is exactly what's making this whole thing even more interesting to solve...

so they failed to ruin aki's life since aki couldn't really care less... he and marsy have already broken up so there's nothing more to do but get him... the thing here is that he doesn't give a damn... he says he still loves marsy...

again, i'm the number two guy... when all else fails with aki, go with his brother...

oh brother... do i always have to be your shadow?

but let me say this as early as now... say whatever you want, do whatever you want... i'm gonna defend myself but there is no possible way i'm gonna give in to your dirty tricks... i'm gonna stay with my plushie even if i have to end up dead for it...

update

2005-08-05T01:57:00.000-04:00

since peope have been constantly complaining about my "creepy" and "freaky" layout, i decided to change it...

with gackuto-sama!

ain't he pleasant to the eyes? hahaha!

i mean this guys... i'm gonna do his little "oasis PV" act after typing this... ja!

drawn

2005-08-04T09:28:00.000-04:00

i get so unreasonably hypersensitive at times... i fucking hate it when that happens... i hate it for the mere fact that i become so self-centered...

i do and say what i'm not supposed to, only to regret it in the mind, to the point that i'd be happy to just have myself shot right through my heart... i tend not to care about how someone else might feel just as long as i express how i feel... true enough, it gives such bad results...

that night was one of those unforgiving nights when i let my temper get the best of me... i thought things over and i realized just how much of a jerk i turned out to be - again... you simply gave me little facts that we are to face someday but my dreams of having you forever blocked my path of understanding...

for once, i did not understand - rather, i refused to understand...

then i made up my mind to finally end things... but then again, there is nothing to end - only something to stop... it was stupid... it was a decision made out of anger and bitterness but i yielded... all because i got hurt and would not want to come face to face with those harsh realities you told me...

yet there is no way this cupid can run away from love... i have set my whole life to spending it with you until the moment i breathe my last... i know deep in my heart that i could never be truly with anyone else but you... for the love of heaven, i live and i will die for you...

bring me hell, damned world... i don't really care... i'm already in heaven - with my heaven...

seems to be right for the occasion

2005-07-26T09:12:00.000-04:00

i don't think anyone here hasn't seen "ring 0" yet... so that means you guys know pretty well sadako's story, particularly her love life...

this here's the little theme song for that love story...

Finale
L'arc-en-ciel

Awaku hakanaga na utsukushisa
Kowasarenu you chizuka ni dakiyoseta

Tsuki no kakurega de motomeau
Kanjitoruno wa sadame no setsunasa yo

Shinobiyoru kehai fusaidate
Oitsumerareta urei no kuchimoto ni fureta

CHORUS 1
Shuumakue mukau hizashi no naka
Mabushisugita ashita ga mienai
Furimuita kimi wa toki o koete mitsumeteiru
Adokanai Shoujo no mama

Kono ude no naka de mezameyuku
Kimi no kanashimi ga tada kanashikute

Kuroshii made ni koishitau
Itsumademo soba ni ite hanarerarenu you ni

CHORUS 2
Furisosogu tsumi ni irodorareta
Kareta michi o samayoitsuzukeru
Hono ai wa daremo furesasenai
Sore ga kami ni somuku koto dearou to

Kagami no kimi wa sakasama no hohoemi de
Todiresou na yume tsumugi no ito o kitta

CHORUS 3
Eien ni shizumu sono inori ni
Kotae mo naku minamo e yureteru
Kuzureyuku kimi o sukuenakute
Ayasu youni nemuraseta ano toki

CHORUS 1
Shuumakue mukau hizashi no naka
Mabushisugita ashita ga mienai
Furimuita kimi wa toki o koete mitsumeteiru
Adokanai Shoujo no mama

Translation:

Faint transitory sign of beauty
Without destroying it
I quietly held it close

In the moon's hiding place
Searching taking in the pain of fate

The worry draw wear unnoticed stands in the way driven to the wall
Touched by the entrance of sadness

CHORUS 1
In the sunlight heading towards the end
Way too glaring, tomorrow can't be seen
The you that looked back, beyond time
Is gazing just like an innocent girl

In these arms awakening
Your sadness is nothing but so sad

Before the point of maddening, I yearn for you
Always be by my side, so I'll never be separated from you

CHORUS 2
Coloured by the sin raining down incessantly
In the dried path keep on wandering
This love is touched by no one
I fear that it is a turning against God

The you in the mirror, with that upside down smile
The breaking thread of dreams spun together is cut

CHORUS 3
Eternally sinking in that prayer
Not even one answer, the water surface is swaying
The crumbling you isn't saved
In order to dandle you, you were put to sleep at that time

CHORUS 1
In the sunlight heading towards the end
Way too glaring, tomorrow can't be seen
The you that looked back, beyond time
Is gazing just like an innocent girl

no matter they say, you know i'll stand by your side... i'll never give up... i'll stay in love with you... not only until i take my last breath but even after death...

losing my patience

2005-07-24T01:07:00.000-04:00

i really hate myself whenever i lose my temper... i become obsessive-compulsive and i lose control of myself...

yesterday was one of my worst days ever... it wasn't supposed to be that way... i was with the girl i love, for crying out loud! but certain factors ruined everything...

kuya anton, i hate you for being the jerk that you are... i hate you for putting me through the very same agony that my mom does every single time i'm alone with her... i hate you for saying stuff that you weren't supposed to say and doing practically everything that i find annoying... you put me in a situation where you know i won't be able to counter your silly attacks... you have no idea how much i want to kill you right now...

heart, i hate you for being the immature child that you are... i hate you for not doing anything to save me from the idiot that is also known as your boyfriend... i hate you for staying quiet and playing ignorant to everything that has been happening around you when you know very well what pisses me off... i guess that's how much you love him - you'll let your friend get tortured...

kuya aidz, i'm mad at you for judging me according to my actions... you hardly know me and you have the nerve to tell me such things?! you don't even know the whole story!

plushie, i ain't mad at you... not at all... i just didn't expect you to go with kuya anton's insanity... i didn't expect you to snap right back at me for saying the wrong things at the wrong time... i didn't expect you to strike me at my weak point - my heart... but i guess it was all for the sake of having a great time...

i'm really sorry, plushie... i know its all my fault and i understand you... i'm sorry for acting the way i did, for giving them wrong ideas about us... i just really missed you a lot and i was really psyched to be with you again that i forgot to control myself...

yesterday was like a trip back to my old life, when i was abandoned by everybody for being me...

but that was yesterday, not tonight... i could never change what has already happened...

Careless Whisper
George Michael/Hyde of L'arc-en-ciel

I feel so unsure,
As I take your hand and lead you to the dance floor.
As the music dies...
Something in your eyes,
Calls to mind a silver screen,
And all those sad goodbyes.

Chorus:
I'm never gonna dance again,
Guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Though it's easy to pretend,
I know you're not a fool.

I should have known better than to cheat a friend,
And waste the chance that I'd been given.
So I'm never gonna dance again,
The way I danced with you.

Time can never mend,
The careless whispers of a good friend.
To the heart and mind,
Ignorance is kind...
There's no comfort in the truth,
Pain is all you'll find.

Chorus
I'm never gonna dance again,
Guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Though it's easy to pretend,
I know you're not a fool.

I should have known better than to cheat a friend,
And waste the chance that I'd been given.
So I'm never gonna dance again,
The way I danced with you.

What am I without your love?

Tonight the music seems so loud,
I wish that we could lose the crowd.
Maybe it's better this way,
We'd hurt each other with the things we want to say.

We could have been so good together,
We could have made this last forever...
But now, who's gonna dance with me?
Please stay.
(Alternatively):
And now it's never gonna be
That way...

Chorus
Now that you're gone
Now that you're gone
Now that you're gone
Was what I did so wrong?
So wrong that you had to leave me alone?

you guys really ruined my day like hell... i don't even think i'd want to go out with you all again... i'd prefer to be alone with my plushie...

i could only hope and pray that that traumatic day won't ever happen again...

have faith in me, plushie... i won't let them misjudge you... i'll protect you... they really crossed the line this time and i'm gonna make them pay...

cornered

2005-07-21T04:40:00.000-04:00

after more than a month, my school life's all fucked up... more than half of my professors hate me for being the jerk that i am and i'm gonna get an FA sooner or later because i always come to class late...

yeah, late... i haven't been cutting classes that much lately... for a change, i guess...

things back at my place ain't doing so good either... my folks are still on my case, especially my mom... what can i say? she'd rather have me rushed to a hospital because of overfatigue than to let me stay at the condo because she'll miss me...

pretty selfish of my mom, huh? maybe she doesn't realize that her favorite son hasn't had any sleep for the past month, is about to turn into a walking skeleton (i hardly have time to eat) and will soon die if this continues...

what the fuck am i gonna do with excellent grades if i end up dead anyway?

i've been thinking about that a lot lately, especially when i'm on my way to school... and when that thought comes into my mind before i go to bed, i can't help but glance at my "stuff" - the guns, knives, blades, my lighter... you know what i mean... but of course i dismiss that idea immediately...

still, i can't help it...

good thing my plushie's around to keep me sane... she's the only reason why i'm still here... and the things i'm looking forward to doing with her...

*insert evil laugh here*

okay, i'm just playing... sorry, must be the effect of listening to malice mizer songs...

namely...

Beast of Blood

The future dyed in fresh blood... my tortured senses

Place of silence, moving shadows
Crimson eyes are strangely gleaming in the darkness
Madness starting to awake
Playful desire starving of blood
Get down limitless night

Beast of Blood

Along with the scream from the death throes
Sharp claws are shining brighter
Dually obscene breaths continues
And rips apart the silence of the night
Crossing the uplifty night
Get down limitless night

Beast of Blood

The scent of blood intertwined around my breath,
Floats about the air on this night of esctasy
The future dyed in fresh blood... my tortured senses
The scent of blood intertwined around my breath,
floats about the air on this night of ecstasy

Beast of Blood

No fear, no sadness
Lofty life is tasting loneliness and eternity
And near by the target with no more life
Red drops on my greedy lips
Falls down on the freezing ground
Get down limitless night

Beast of Blood

Spills blood on me 'til it fills my body

The scent of blood intertwined around my breath,
Floats about the air on this night of ecstasy
The future dyed in fresh blood... my tortured senses
The desire gushing out of the cold body is wet with red blood
Screams of desire resound on this night... my senses throb sharply

The scent of blood intertwined around my breath,
Floats about the air on this night of ecstasy
The future dyed in fresh blood... my tortured senses

Beast of Blood

just a bit of S&M on my part, i guess... haha! a bit... yeah right, josh... haha!

in question

2005-07-20T05:19:00.000-04:00

being the "prince of lies" is getting into my nerves... that reputation is bringing me into eternal damnation!

okay, so i lie my way to get what i want... but it doesn't always work that way... i know when to lie and i know when to tell the truth... yeah, yeah, i know how to tell the truth... believe it or not...

you guys can question my credibility but not what i feel... i'm always honest when it comes to that aspect... still you guys don't believe me no matter how many times i say so...

maybe i should just stay silent forever... or maybe i should just let them believe what they want... they would never let me prove them wrong anyway...

for once

2005-07-15T03:38:00.000-04:00

i've always defined "hell week" as that whole fucked up week in school when you're supposed to defend your thesis and you have no darn idea exactly which day of that week you're gonna be grilled by the panelists...

guess i made up the wrong definition for that term...

time to rewind...

as soon as mom got home, i begged her to cuff both my hands to my bedposts - or anywhere else that she thinks would suit me... she kinda stared at me blankly at first but she eventually gave in...

my mom would never refuse me...

she did exactly what i asked her to do... and i can't be any more pleased...

this happened the whole week... every single night, she would place the handcuffs around my wrists after making sure that i've already finished my school work...

for once i wanted those handcuffs... i used to despise them but now i am glad that they are around - not to physically torture me but to actually save me...

i begged for the handcuffs to make sure i won't be seduced by the gun in my closet or the blade in my drawer - to kill myself...

take note

2005-07-11T05:06:00.000-04:00

Kahit pa
Hale

Muling Lalapit
Ang liwanag sa paligid
At ang tinig
Na sa akin nagsasabing

Hindi mapipigil ng mundo
Papatunayana ang pangako

Dahil kailangan ka
Kailangang pakita natin tayo'y iba
At kahit pa
Hindi papapigil sa mundo
At sa umagang darating
Lahat ay aking kakayanin

Huwag mong isispin
Ang mga harang sa atin
At ang ihip ng hangin ay darating

Bigla lang titigil ang mundo
At ang lahat ay maglalaho

Dahil kailangan ka
Kailangang pakita natin tayo'y iba
At kahit pa
Hindi papapigil sa mundo
At sa umagang darating
Lahat ay aking kakayanin
At kahit pa ikaw lang at ako

Hindi ko man hawak ang panahon
Maging ang ikot ng buhay
Basta't ikaw at ikaw pa rin
Ikaw at ikaw pa rin

Dahil kailangan ka
Kailangang pakita natin tayo'y iba
At kahit pa
Hindi papapigil sa mundo
At sa umagang darating
Lahat ay aking kakayanin
At kahit pa ikaw lang at ako

got that? understood? good...

'cause i ain't letting this one go...

i'm still psyched to prove them wrong...

trust me on this one

2005-07-08T06:27:00.000-04:00

okay, so my latest suicide attempt was foiled... again...

not that i'm frustrated about that... i'm just wondering why it keeps happening... but i think i know now...

its because i live for someone... and she lives for me too... that's more than enough to keep here, ain't it?

next up...

guys, do me a favor... visit this site >>> do a noble thing and make someone really happy... if you can't do something about it, at least spread the word...

just like what i'm doing right now...

pressed

2005-07-06T06:39:00.000-04:00

depressed? probably yes...

damn it... it sucks that things between my plushie and i ain't doing so good lately (too many misunderstandings) and school's being such a drag... so why does my family have to make things worse?

i'm still not talking to my dad and i think he has already given up on me... he got sick recently and i didn't even give a damn... why the hell should i? damn it...

this fucked up house ain't something you built just so you can come home to it whenever your bitches turn their backs on you! we're your family, you imbecile!

mom's getting on my case too... she thinks i've been messing up in school again... okay, i did cut a few classes last week and she's pretty paranoid that i'll get a damned FA sooner or later... she even yells at me every night for not doing my chores...

read: i haven't had any sleep for almost a week now because of my homework! i don't stay up all night for nothing! why the hell can't you understand that? and you hate me for getting up late in the morning... what do you expect? i haven't had any sleep!

more reason for me not to go home...

my bedroom's useless since i don't sleep (even if i do, it will be for just 2 hours or so) and all my stuff are scattered on the floor... my sisters aren't much of a help since they've got their own academic problems to deal with...

what really pisses me off is that my folks keep arguing night and day and they end up pouring out all their anger and frustrations on me...

i really love that dark isolated room...

and i still love my folks...

depressed... and pressured...

last dance

2005-07-03T13:32:00.000-04:00

as a dancer
i've always danced to the music
perfectly and with ease
whatever the rhythm may be

except for rock.

in one competition i joined
i danced with you.

we were the perfect couple.

the dips and twirls
under the spotlight
together with the crowd
we amazed them

the music kept playing
varying, different genres
and we never failed
to wow the audience

until rock played.

we slipped and failed to sway
we we very off-beat
it was then i realized
we crashed together

it was my last competition.
it became my last dance.

i hope it won't be the same for you.

i refuse to apologize...

what for? i've already let you down, i ruined your trust - the kind of trust that the prince of lies doesn't deserve yet you still gave, because you loved me...

yes, loved... because after what i did, i don't expect you to still love me...

i broke my promise, just like any other promise i've made to you... though i didn't mean to, i lied once again... i didn't want to but i got so scared of how you will react once i told you the truth...

the child in you hates being lied to...

to think that it is such a simple request - you want me to stop lying and begin to fully trust you - that means so much to you...

love cannot live where there is no trust...

should i think that this feeling i have for you is not love? if it isn't, then what is it? is it a lie just like everything else i said before my revelation?

then i'm living a lie... because it is this lie that gives me the will to survive through another agonizing day without you by my side... it is this lie that practically keeps me alive...

my love is a lie...

i can't blame you for believing that...

but please let me at least fulfill one of the promises i made...

mom, this is none of your fault... its nobody else's fault but mine... i love you...

dad, see you in hell - unless you start treating mom right...

rayne, you're my best best friend...

beij, dude... dude...

everyone else, don't be a jerk like me...

just one more day and it will be over...

beg and plead

2005-07-02T22:42:00.000-04:00

the last petal has fallen and i chose to place it above your coffin... do you have any idea how beautiful you are on the other side of the glass? maybe it's just me but you're far more beautiful right now...

but nothing can compare to the beauty of my pain...

if love is red, then is my blood similar to love? they are of the same color...

i will miss looking into your eyes... because no matter how hard i pray that you will open them once again, i know heaven will fall deaf to my plea...

you are better off dead anyway...

Helena

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on, just like a match you strike to incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what’s the worst you take (worst you take)
From every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

[chorus]
What’s the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Came a time
When every star fall
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what’s the worst you take (worst you take)
From every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

[chorus]
What’s the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Can You Hear me
Are you near me
Can we pretend
To leave and then
We’ll meet again, when both our cars collide

[chorus]
What’s the worst that I could say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

one week

2005-06-25T07:07:00.000-04:00

it has only been a week? oh man... i really am in serious trouble...

school sucks... i don't even want to wake up so early in the morning just to go to school... i really don't feel like it... especially during tuesdays and thursdays... because that's when we have organic chemistry...

nothing's wrong with org chem... come on! i love chem! but i hate my professor in that subject... sir garcia... he happens to be gay and has a really bad temper... but he's pretty nice to all the guys... he gets a little touchy-feely at times and its really creepy... ugh... but he's pretty good... except for the fact that he keeps saying "you're all a bunch of morons if you don't understand what i'm discussing here!" all the time...

but i promised my blockamtes that i'm gonna kill him if he crosses the line and messes with one of us, especially the girls...

next is org chem lab... with another gay professor... sir mario's different from sir garcia though... he has this really soft voice that makes me want to fall asleep... and he keeps on waving this pink fan which makes me think he's gonna whack us with it if we do something that can displease him...

don't get me wrong... i have nothing against gays... those two professors just happen to piss me off all the time...

before i go back to doing my homework in rizal...

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant.
Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle.
You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs.

For you, comfort and calm are very important.
You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection.
You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

the most accurate ever...

Your Deadly Sins

Pride: 40%

Envy: 20%

Greed: 20%

Wrath: 20%

Gluttony: 0%

Lust: 0%

Sloth: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will become famous - and subsequently killed by a stalker.

How Sinful Are You?

wow... looks like i've been a good boy lately! guess i'm improving, eh?

lust is 0%? that doesn't sound like me... hahahaha!

trauma

2005-06-19T06:52:00.000-04:00

i've always told people that whatever happened in your past doesn't really shape your future... its actually how you react to that past...

can you blame me for being traumatized?

i have every reason to be... my confidence and pride shattered when "that" happened... its because it was unexpected... everything back then was doing so well... then that news almost killed me...

my only consolation is that i heard it straight from the other person involved... i appreciate the honesty but that person failed to understand why i got angry... that person should have told me sooner...

the only difference here is that i already knew right from the start... i just kept quiet... it sucks to play ignorant but its beneficial at times... i just hate having the facts get rubbed in my face...

i better keep my mouth shut... keep it all inside just like before... this time, it pays to pretend that you're ignorant...

caught in the middle

2005-06-18T07:51:00.000-04:00

there's nothing left to lose in the event that things don't turn out well...

so you guys broke up... so what? am i supposed to jump around and celebrate? who the hell are you kidding? and please don't think that i actually believe everything you said... i'm sick and tired of your crap...

life's too short to waste... especially on you...

i'm done crying over you... i've already thrown away all your stuff, even burned some of them...

yeah, i still care... of course... but i only see you as a friend now... just a friend... i don't think i can fall in love with you again...

you're using my own words against me but i'm sorry to say, i can't do any of those anymore...

advertisement: vote for andrea in qpids... for the sake of my friends in AB... andrea's dad happens to be a prof in ust and he promised all his students a flat 1 if his daughter wins the competition... i don't know the format though so just watch the friggin' show...

between the tides

2005-06-17T06:07:00.000-04:00

tides shift... so does my fate... so does my life...

i killed myself a month ago but it is a death that i do not regret at all... i died to set myself free... and it is the freedom that i have always longed for since the day i decided to have myself chained to the grief-stricken life...

times have truly changed... for the better...

no more "ups and downs" for me... i do experience sadness every once in a while but i hardly notice it... or maybe i just simply ignore it... the happiness i feel right now is truly overwhelming...

i conquered my fear... i killed myself... i resurrected and now i share this world with you...

2005-06-15T03:11:00.000-04:00

hey guys, i'm just helping out my friend here... she needs it for school... its their project... they have to sell stuff like globe phone cards, jansport bags, etc...

below is the little advertisement she sent on our little ML...

so, here goes nothing...

Harry Potter fan? Reserve the Book 6 right now! I’m selling it for only Php 1,400, hard bound. That is cheaper than bookstore price!!!

For your orders, e-mail me at kristel_0922@yahoo.com or text me at 639062736173/ 639156681321.

Kristel Mari M. Cruz
La Huerta, Parañaque City
8290418/639062736173

problem here is that many people have probably reserved it at some bookstore out there... but if you guys still haven't, might as well contact this girl and help her out...

she sells other books... i still gotta ask her for the complete list though...

her number and email's all there so don't go calling me up and stuff... hahaha!

sick and tired

2005-06-14T03:20:00.000-04:00

would you believe me if i say i don't care about my most beloved forum anymore?

okay, i still love it and the people in it but after all that has happened, i've come to realize that its time for soul reaver to step down and leave all the posting to the other members... what i'm trying to say here is that i don't care whether i'm still the leading "poster" or not, whether you guys close my fan club or not, increase my warning meter every week and ban me from kingdom come... i don't care...

why? because after keeping myself away from that forum for a week or two, i have realized that my life doesn't depend on my fame at FC annymore...

and i never thought i'd say that...

there's life after FC and i'm living it... right now...

to rinoa: shobe! your onichan ain't leaving FC! i'm keeping my promise... i'd still be at FC but i won't be that active anymore... we'd still talk through PMs... your kuya loves you!

pressured

2005-06-08T06:20:00.000-04:00

there! a new layout! still have to fix it though... and yeah, i was sick and tired of seeing kenshin anyway...

i don't think so

2005-05-28T04:38:00.000-04:00

i bailed out the last time it happened... can you believe it? it was pretty stupid indeed and i still feel ashamed for doing so...

thursday night, it was a different story... god damn me if i lose it all over again...

i spent the whole day playing FFVII on my PS1... anything's better than hanging out in my bedroom in silence and remembering everything that happened the night before... either that or i pace to and fro, chewing on gum or practically anything i could eat... or i'd slam my head on the wall, on the fridge, and on the table...

it was basically everything i could do just to avoid that glistening blade in my room...

maybe i could count the time when i turned to my "handy dandy" notebook and used my fucked up emotions to write another song... i ended up writing five, i think...

the evening was more of a torture chamber... i held on to the crucifix hanging on my bedpost as if it would keep my alive... come to think of it, yeah, it would seem that way... i tossed and turned on my bed all night, trying to wear myself out just so i'd be able to fall asleep...

and so i'm still here...

haunted

2005-05-26T06:33:00.000-04:00

here's a letter that i never got to send... i wrote this one three years ago...

my love,

i'm really sorry i refused to talk to you last night... you see, i have my reasons for doing so... saying that, i now warn you that this letter will not contain my usual mushy words... no, my love... this is all about why i acted the way i did last night...

i simply find it irritating that you continue to talk and go out with him after telling me how much you dislike him... you even have the nerve to tell me how wonderful he is! now that doesn't sound really bad of him, right? you make it sound as if he is being the man i can never be!

i understand that you are simply being nice... after all, he is your cousin's friend... but isn't it that he has told you a dozen times that he loves you? my love, i do not blame him for falling in love with you but why do you have to entertain him?

am i missing something here?

okay, you reassured me countless of times that i will always have your heart no matter who comes along... but how can i convince myself? i can clearly see who he is now in your life! you turn to him instead of me, you go out with him as often as i can recall and you spend late nights talking to him!

then last night, just after telling me how irritating he is, you had the guts to tell me that you're having a wonderful conversation with him on the phone!

thank you for showing me how much i lack...

i know i have no right to feel this way since you are not my girlfriend... but you said so yourself that what we have is real... i told you i'd wait for the time when you'd be ready to finally commit...

but does that mean you would spend the rest of the time hurting me this way?

pardon me for saying such things...

xxxx

a few weeks later, they eventually became a couple... that was the day i ruined my life and threw myself in hell...

i hope i won't have to send this to anyone... ever...

parallelism

2005-05-14T03:20:00.000-04:00

you have any idea how peter parker feels when it comes to mary jane watson? hell, i do...

to mj, you're just the ordinary, next door neighbor science geek peter parker... sure, you've always had that admiration for her but she just never seem to notice you...

until one freak accident happened to you and you suddenly become spiderman, the local hero... your alter ego turns out to be everybody's idol all of a sudden... but poor old peter remained the class geek...

one thing that that really bugged you is that mj had the hots for spiderman... okay, peter is spiderman but mj doesn't know that... so you sort of took advantage of the whole spiderman act to get near mj...

and it worked...

but of course, you can't keep it a secret forever... so you made up your mind and told her the truth...

why? hell, the girl loves spiderman! but you can't keep her in love with a web-slinger forever... plus, you can't always be spiderman... she'll always be intrigued about how her hero really looks like...

how mj reacted?

you guys mind askin' my mj?

unexpected

2005-05-06T07:53:00.000-04:00

may 4, 2005 (call me soft-hearted, i don't give a damn)

lestat: guess i shouldn't be doin this but hey, for old time's sake... i'm sorry...
aina: oh please dont be a hypocrite..
lestat: i'm not!
lestat: i'm being sincere here
aina: and what?
aina: to find another flaw in me again
aina: and publicize it?
aina: oh, im sorry but im already immune to that
lestat: no...
lestat: i ain't gonna do that again
aina: because you already did
lestat: look, i didn't say much
aina: oh really
lestat: i'm here to apologize, okay?
lestat: i'm not starting another fight
aina: apologize? and why?
lestat: simply because i want to
lestat: and i mean it
aina: oh.. you want to..
aina: or you just want to clean your reputation
lestat: you know that i have no more reputation
lestat: and i no longer give a damn about my reputation if i still do have it
aina: same here
aina: and you are the reason y
lestat: me?
aina: you?? oh.. no..
lestat: whether i'm the cause or not of whatever it is that happened to your life, i really do apologize
aina: hmm.. ok.. if you say so..
lestat: i already told you, i'm not here to fight
aina: im not starting a fight either
lestat: whether you accept my apology or not, please do know that i am being sincere here
aina: if you say so..
lestat: i've done what i came to do... farewell
aina: ok
aina: hey
lestat: yeah?
aina: er.. nothing..
aina: never mind
lestat: what is it?
lestat: if you want to cuss, its okay
aina: no..
lestat: then what is it?
aina: i dont really want to say this but im sorry too
aina: if i ever made anything wrong to you
lestat: its okay
aina: im sorry...
lestat: don't be
aina: for everything
lestat: i understand
lestat: past is past
lestat: just take care then...

paused

2005-05-04T06:34:00.000-04:00

i'll keep you guys hanging for now... the continuation of my revelations would have to wait... for days, weeks, months, years - i don't know...

point is that i won't be posting for a while... i've got my reasons...

kudos!

hugs, kisses and ice cream!

revelations part 1

2005-05-03T04:03:00.000-04:00

who is shiren/soul reaver/josh/marcus/shuichi?

that is the number one question in everybody's mind ever since... well then people, i think it is about time that i satisfy your curiosity...

but before that, let me clarify that every information i have personally revealed to you is true... everything i have told you before is nothing but fact...

maybe now you ask what's the point of this entry...

the point of this entry is to let you into the real me... my hidden life... the things you all need to know... the things i used to deny from you...

first and foremost, i am not your average teenager... my life is something even i cannot understand nor control... it remains a mystery to me... i have lived almost 19 years of my life under the influence of my parents, especially my father...

i am a prince, the heir to an empire my father has long ruled over... what and where that empire is? let's just say that you are working for me and you don't even know it... donald trump? bill gates? they are under our empire and so are you...

now, to my life... hold on to your seats! this is gonna be one hell of a ride...

i was born in brooklyn, new york but i spent most of my life in other parts of the world... i have always been exiled by my parents... i would travel with one of my father's trusted men, depending on which country i'll be going... he then would teach me everything about that country... that was basically how my education began...

despite my brilliant mind, my father discouraged me from attending school... he would always tell me that "real lessons are learned in life and not in classrooms"... he would always have books for me to read since according to him, "only a reader can learn what a teacher can only dictate"...

part of those lessons that my father taught me is the "reality survival" - to kill or be killed... we choose the former... at the age of eight, i killed a man much older than me... and yes, i can still remember how i did it - swiftly, so as not to prolong his agony... since then, i have lost count of exactly how many people i have killed... do not be afraid though because i do not kill innocent people... i only slay those who do me - and the people i care about - wrong...

since the first time i killed someone, my mother has dedicated her life to praying for my soul... she believes i am already destined to go to hell...

but i am not raised to be just a murderer... when i was only two years old, i managed to play one of mozart's composition... what's the catch? i cannot read notes and up to now, i still do not know how... i only managed to do it by merely listening... my father then developed my music skills and i have learned to play every song exactly the same way - just by listening to it...

since i was not allowed to speak my thoughts to anyone but my parents, i turned to writing... you understand that i simply cannot tell my parents everything... i was so young with so many things that i cannot comprehend... the only downside here is that i somehow kept most things to myself...

with this, i learned to do things all by myself... i sought the answers i want, planned the assassination, devised business "tactics" - alone... until now, i still do...

although my father gave me his permission to attend school, i realized he was right... i liked his "teaching method" better... school bored me... sure, i consistently got good grades but i barely attended my classes... my mother tolerated that as long as i do not get a grade below 95...

since i am his heir, my father taught me the tricks of the business everyday, as soon as i finish eating breakfast... he made me memorize "the credo" (the shorter version's the one you guys see on the lower right side of the screen) to serve as my guide in this forsaken life... in short, he taught me how to lie, cheat and steal...

take that, eddie guerrero!

now, i know you people are wondering how i became a blood drinker... a fairly easy question... my father gave me my first coffin when i was just 5 years of age... with it came a small refrigerator containing a month's supply of blood - all for me... of course i was hesitant to drink it at first but then i got used to it... i happened to drink all the supply within only two weeks and that's when i decided to hunt - time for fresh blood...

to be continued...

escape

2005-05-02T05:09:00.000-04:00

after my week-long suspension at FC, soul reaver's back!! as of now, i'm 10 posts behind sephiroth... but its okay... i'll regain the top spot soon... haha!

i got dragged to go with les' relatives to mendez (that's the municipality right after tagaytay) yesterday for the town fiesta... my aunt whipped me out of bed (we all stayed up until 1 am playing marvel vs. capcom) at 6 am... i didn't have a choice... so i got in my car, with les as my only passenger... she's the only one who had the guts to anyway...

les: dude! bagalan mo naman! babangga na tayo!
me: look, the truck's like five feet away... i can step on the brake anytime...

knowing my aunt, she can't last a whole sunday without going to church so we attended mass at the lourdes church in tagaytay first...

les: pare, giniginaw na ako...
me: nasa simbahan tayo, ang ingay mo... sino ba nagsabing mag-sleeveless ka?
len: eh kuya, naninibago nga ako eh...
me: why?
len: parang nakahubad si ate...
les: putang ina mong gago ka talaga kahit kailan! tarantado!

the mass ended at 9:30 am... too early... so my aun't decided to drop by taal vista lodge first... it was pretty nostalgic for les and i...

me: looks like the whole place has changed a lot since the last time we got here...
les: oo nga eh... tokwa, dito pa tayo naglalaro dati!
me: i know dude!
les: tapos diyan! diyan tayo nagpapagulong-gulong! di ba diyan pa nga tayo nagpa-practice mag-backflip?
me: dude, are you gonna cry?

and who would've thought that those changes would include paying 150 bucks when you happen to stay in the place longer than 5 minutes? i almost punched the security guard... but hey, i know he's just doing his job...

on to mendez...

a little history though (i got this from les)...

the whole town used to be a family property... that's where les' grandparents would stay during world war II... after the war, siyempre, tag-hirap and so les' grandfather was forced to sell a few lots... after a couple more years, they had a little family feud over the property so they divided it among themselves...

and so when we got there, we practically stopped over every single house there is in that place...

tapos relative pa nila yung mayor and vice-mayor... and almost every barangay captain... kung hindi nila kamag-anak, kaibigan or kakilala...

but i must say, i love the food!!! all fresh from the farm! and the coffee, damn, starbucks oughtta bow down to these guys!

nabitin nga lang ako... i collapsed eh...

i woke up later that evening, already back at home, to the sound of les' voice screaming, "encantadia na sa monday!! ang astig ng costumes!" (she was watching the primer)

so fuckin' unfair

2005-04-25T05:21:00.000-04:00

the whole damned world's unfair so why should i play fair?

FC DID NOT SUSPEND SHIN, RICAH AND CAROL!!! just as i expected... man, i hate it when i'm right...

BC, you've got to be out of your mind! you said in your email that you'll suspend everyone involved! how come those three are "free" from the punishment? didn't it occur to you that we won't flame carol if she didn't do anything? shin and ricah did their part too!

DAMN IT!!!

the only difference is that she attacked us indirectly... so we defended ourselves by attacking her - directly... shin and ricah defended their "coven leader"...

YOU GOT THAT?!

sure you're a mod and all that... you've got the right to do what you want... but you know what you did? you just logged in at FC, checked the forum, saw our posts and boom! you suspended us... you don't even know the whole story!

you didn't consult your jury, bro...

and i have the right to complain because this is injustice!!! you gave us multiple punishment!!!

now i'm really convinced that the forum's bias...

so maybe i ought to attend the saturday EB, eh? maybe that's how you guys base your so-called friendship...

really pharisaical...

suspended

2005-04-23T06:42:00.000-04:00

guess what? fucked up battlechaser suspended my FC account! hurray for me! and it's good for seven days (meaning the good old suck up will finally be able to beat my post count)!!!!

i know we really messed up the boards... we went too far... so they closed the bitch's fan corner and increased our warning meter (mine's now at 2%)... we expected worse... so i talked to polidread and asked him why we weren't banned... he said its because some of the moderators understand the situation... look, the whole condition was that we'd only get suspended IF AND ONLY IF we mention anything about carol - directly or indirectly - again... and as far as i can remember, WE DID NOT!!!

here's a copy of the "suspension letter"...

soul_reaver,

battlechaser has sent you this email from
http://s7.invisionfree.com/Filcosplay/index.php.

Soul Reaver,

This is to inform you that your account has been suspended for seven
days for general discourtesy and involvement in the disturbance that
resulted to flaming and harrassing a Filcosplay member and a moderator.
Penalties were given depending on the degree of participation on the
topic. Thank you.

Please bear in mind that all members of the forums are like each and
every poster's family and we should be considerate to each other's
feelings and well being. We should be having fun and not attack each other,
otherwise the long and sweet moments shared by the members of Filcosplay
would just be put into waste. This is not just one person's forum, it
is for everybody. I, in behalf of the moderating team, wish that you
understand the gravity of the situation and why it required a penalty to
the involved individuals.

Battlechaser

---------------------------------------------------
Please note that Filcosplay has no control over the
contents of this message.
---------------------------------------------------

Regards,

The Filcosplay team.
http://s7.invisionfree.com/Filcosplay/index.php

BULLSHIT!!!

for one, we did not harrass any of the mods! if you're referring to the way i addressed polidread in one post, that was sincere! i wasn't being sarcastic when i thanked him for making me realize how wrong we were! if it was about aki's post, he was just teasing poli! it is only but natural for him to talk that way!

and didn't we say that we'd spare all the mods?

don't they dare talk to me about family because i have considered FC as my family ever since! if you don't believe me, read my post at the "define: filcosplay" topic! considerate of each other's feelings? why, did they consider MY feelings when they allowed that bitch to run around the boards (and at the Saturday FC EB) spreading rumors about me? did they do something? oh hell no! "long and sweet moments"? they are only such because most of you guys happen to be a bunch of pharisaical folks! i may not be with you every saturday but i know how one feels for another and damn, they sure are ugly feelings...

all the involved individuals? so that would be me, the gimmikeros, niel, shin, ricah and carol... RIGHT? well it should be!!! if those three aren't suspended (even for just 5 days!) then this is injustice!!! it would only prove that we're correct, that the whole forum is being bias!

yeah, i do understand the gravity of the situation and its nothing but crap! look, did i complain when you guys increased my warning meter? hell no! because i know that i deserve it! but this, damn... you fuckin' lied!

or maybe you just don't talk to each other before making a decision?

if this was BC's personal decision, so be it... you're one of the high-ranking mods anyway... so perhaps you're right with this action...

i respect all the mods and the admin of the forum... i've been at FC right from the start... i've always referred to it as "the forum i love most"...

now, i call it "the forum i'd love to roast"...

on hold

2005-04-22T02:48:00.000-04:00

just did this one last night...

three months later

isn't it funny that i'm crying?
i love you too much and i'm dying
this relief is an unbearable pain
everything different is still the same

i see you but i'm completely blind
i ran too fast that i got left behind
here we stand face to face apart
dislodged the mind to use the heart

another completeness that's sure to break
a greedy soul too selfish to finally take
the last wise piece of advice of irony
leaving is saying "i'll always stay" discretely

the dreams are more real than reality
i fill in your shoes so you could be me
too many roads to choose a direction
many demands to allow submission

another completeness that's sure to break
a greedy soul too selfish to finally take
the last wise piece of advice of irony
leaving is saying "i'll always stay" discretely

so i hate myself for listening
i stab myself for giving in
this strength that makes me weak
steal the words when i want to speak

another completeness that's sure to break
a greedy soul too selfish to finally take
the last wise piece of advice of irony
leaving is saying "i'll always stay" discretely

courage to yield to something greatly inferior
allow love to ruin us to make us whole once more
how can i forget something i must remember to prove
staying together despite the odds is true love

oh brother

2005-04-20T06:53:00.000-04:00

who would've thought that we'd be like this?

for months we hated each other's guts to the point that we even ended up challenging each other to a duel... all because he annoyed me a lot the first time i saw him and he hated the fact that i used him to propel me in the cyberworld...

and now, here we are, getting along really well, as if nothing happened... the mere thought of it amuses me but i have my doubts as well... yet i trust him... he is my brother...

my baby alien says he treats me better than the way he treats nikoli... so that's pretty flattering... considering that they practically grew up together - under one roof! while i'm just a guy he formerly hates and hasn't even formally met yet!

we've had our good times... i like the fact that he trusts me enough to let me talk him in and out of stuff... like during the "war", he let me fuel his anger enough to make him lose control... there were times when he would call me up for no particular reason and we'd talk for a few minutes... a lot of times we'd ask each other to go on a killing spree and none of us could dare decline such an offer...

but what i really can't forget was when we "sang" the goofy goober song together at a YM conference one night... marsy said it was hilarious!

i can't help but agree... the bad boys of the anime/cosplay world, singing the goofy goober song together? that's one thing i bet none of them would want to miss!

now i made a YM ID upon his request... just to give him a more family feel to it... and it flattered him (he should be! i don't let just anyone tell me what to do! just kidding!)... it really made him happy...

we didn't get the chance to play Ragnarok together though (that would have been fun) but we are currently obsessed with Vagabond's Quest... he asked me to play it... since it was such a simple request, i let him have his way... and now, we've been screaming blood from slicing each other... online, that is... hahaha!

sure, we get to talk and play together online and i know i'm really having a great time with that but one thing's for sure, my brother really wants to hang out with me... he has invited me to a hundred different occasions already! and he gets really disappointed everytime i fail to come...

but this latest invitation is something i wouldn't want to skip... batangas, may 29... hey hey hey!

when i told les about it, she just shrugged and said, "sabik ka kasi sa kapatid na lalaki"... maybe she's right... maybe i have always wanted to have a brother... maybe that's why i actually liked the idea of having him as my brother...

i can't say the same thing for him though since he's always had nikoli with him...

but it still bothers me that we have so much in common... heck, we can practically read each other's minds... now i understand why people keep comparing us...

and i no longer mind...

here i go again

2005-04-19T05:25:00.000-04:00

how many times do i have to tell you that you should never let your emotions control you? think! you're a genius who refuses to put that intelligence to good use!

now you're a fool... a despicable fool...

you have dedicated your whole life to figuring out means and ways of escaping your fate... you may be smart but it is never enough... why can't you accept this? you have everything laid out for you! your kingdom knows no bounderies...

yet you let these people hurt you... you let them consume you... you let them get the best of you... all because you let your emotions blind you... didn't i tell you that love has its own time? even mercy and faith have their own time!

you didn't listen to me... now, suffer the consequences...

i cannot remember how many times i saw you give yourself away to someone... not only your flesh but your whole being - your heart and soul... but after such a short time, you return badly wounded - with those pathetic tears and endless words of regret... you even beg for your death!

you never learn...

haven't you realized that after all that you have done, you now have lost your worth? your treasures cannot save you now! not even your silly emotions can do anything for you! you continue to run away only to find yourself back right where you started...

continue to hurt yourself, you miserable creature! if that's what it takes to make you see, so be it... imprison yourself! you deserve it! use your swords and guns! but then again, how many times have you tried to use them? i say forget about them! they never seem to work anyway...

i would rather have you jump off a cliff... that way, no one could stop you in mid-air!

you can only slow things down but you can never stop it...

lie to yourself as you have lied to countless others... stay in your make believe universe if that is what you want... but you must know that someday you must face your biggest fear: the truth...

getting over it

2005-04-18T02:40:00.000-04:00

i've been spending some time, thinking about you and i... what the? why in the world am i typing those lyrics?

reminds me of the bittersweet days... okay, correction... the bitter days...

i owe them a lot... it has been three days of trash talking yet all we got was a warning... we were expecting ourselves to get banned so i think they somehow understand our situation...

the whole thing took over my life unexpectedly... i read my FC journal and most of it has been about this crap... just short entries though... sure, it lived up to the subtitle "cruel intentions of a vampire from hell" but like what some of my friends said, they'd rather read about my intriguing love life...

imaging me blushing now...

my apologies then, my friends... i ain't going to do that... not now... not until certain issues have been settled...

"A past may chase you if you try to escape from it...but once you confront it, it's just an old memory inside you. There's nothing to be afraid of." -- Cho Hakkai (Gensomaden Saiyuki)

i got that from blucloudstrife and believe me, it made an impact on me, rock bottom...

but why is it that no matter how i confront my past, i'm still afraid of it?

nn
nWhat FF7: Advent Children Character Are You?n
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target

2005-04-16T03:43:00.000-04:00

Love Alone

No one would love me
If they knew all the things I hide
My words fell to the floor
As tears drip through the telephone line

And the hands I've seen
Raised to the sky
Not waving but drowning
This time
I'll try to build the ark that they need
To float to you upon the crystal sea

Give me your hand
To hold
Cause I can't stand to love alone
And love alone is not enough
To hold us up we've got to touch your robe
So swing your robe down low
Swing your robe down low

Prince of despair's been beaten
And the losers still fight
Death's on a long leash
Stealing my friends to the night

And everyone cries for innocent
You say to love the guilty, too
And I'm surrounded by suffering and sickness
So I'm working tearing back the roof

Give me your hand
To hold
Cause I can't stand to love alone
And love alone is not enough
To hold us up we've got to touch your robe
So swing your robe down low
Swing your robe down low

And the pain of the world is a burden
And it's my cross to bear
And I stumble under all the weight
I know you're Simon standing there
And I know you're standing there

Give me your hand
To hold
Cause I can't stand to love alone
And love alone is not enough
To hold us up we've got to touch your robe
So swing your robe down low
Swing your robe down low

yeah, religious... doesn't sound like me, eh? but if i explain why i'm posting that here, i'd be crying a river even before i finish that darn explanation...

another thing...

for crying out loud! i already have a lot of expectations to live up to! you guys have no idea how pressured i am right now...

why can't i just be the real josh valmont?

what am i getting myself into?

2005-04-15T05:05:00.000-04:00

i've just promised hamel that i'll help him write his book! want to know what it's all about? basically good principles in life, mostly founded on things like "lawfulness", "self-denial", "religion", "respect for personal space & privacy", "responsibility", "honor", "fairness" and "street justice". pretty easy... if you ain't me!

why? heck, its a risky topic! it could make suicide rates rise! believe me... the way hamel and i talk, there's a 100% chance that we'd actually pull of a stunt that will lead to a mass of people to jump off the pacific ocean...

okay, hamel and i didn't really like each other at first... he always contradicts what i say (pretty much like henry), so we usually end up debating at the forum... especially at the love department (i think he hates the idea of love)...

i wonder how this will work...

next, i've got a little score to settle with a few people online (if you guys are reading this, you know what i mean)... we just have to set the date and that's it... there a lot of things to be discussed but we're all on the edge of actually hacking each other's head off... unless our mediator does his job fast enough, this is going to be bloodshed...

one katana, coming up! and no, i ain't bringing any metal fan!

i know i ain't supposed to be here... i should be in brooklyn, working... but hey, my dad didn't call me "the bedevilled rebel" for nothing, right (whatever that means)? so while the whole family's in japan, here i am, being a total bum...

remind me to get out of here before they all come home...

by the way, i'm getting annoyed at aki (no, not my brother... i'm talking about my mouse)... he fuckin' eats a lot! he eats anything! everything! now how annoying is that? i've got competition!

catching up

2005-04-13T06:58:00.000-04:00

inabutan na ni henry ang post counts ko sa FC!!! worth ranting about? not really... guess i just got used to being the top poster for almost a year of FC's existence... so i'll be totally active at FC just like before... i'll probably be online the whole day, just posting at the forum like crazy...

forum domination!! hahahaha!!

still trying to help les out with her PRO job in the org... looks like i'd have to use all my connections on this one... need to advertise the org! guess it pays to join all these MLs...

the anime circle is really smaller than you think...

first off, there's the otaku pool party which we're planning to attend... and we're gonna monopolize the fuckin' pool! kuya anton's planning to do his exhibitions so i might as well join in... remind me to bring my skateboard... its time to show off... hahaha!

then there's UGOTGAME... we're gonna do the cosplay innovation we've all been looking forward to! its a game that almost every guy has got to play but never thought of cosplaying... think, my dear cosplayers! its pretty funny but its really great... just thinking of it makes me laugh...

i just don't know if we're gonna attend j-crunch... its just a j-rock event... but maybe we will since we need ideas for the org activities...

our current plans are really cool but we need to make an impact...

i hope i get to go back to school... kahit first sem lang! i don't want to miss the org activities! i'm looking forward to two events and both will make me drool... literally...

moving on...

looks like i ain't losing my shobe after all! worth celebrating, eh? sorry, i just love that kid! i owe her a lot of mooncakes!!

may available ba na mooncake kahit hindi chinese new year? just in case we get to see each other in an upcoming convention...

i've misplaced my drumsticks!! i was playing with it last night, using it as chopsticks (yeah, i know its stupid)... i fell asleep and i don't know where the fuck i placed it... but i know its just somewhere around my really messy bedroom...

and please, save me from watching full house!! i've been singing the songs from that show since last week!

i've been spending most of my time thinking about a lot of stuff lately... i hate it... i mean, i don't want to think about anything, really... thinking about everything gives me a headache... a really awful headache...

but only one thing really bugs me... and its something i really don't want to talk about...

*grin* made famous by the amazing Kaoru of Dir en
grey, you are the coolest hairstyle to ever
grace JRock with its presence. EVER. And I just
might molest you.

What JRock hairstyle are you?
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gawin ko kayang ganyan ang hair ko for OPP? cool! hahahaha!

tangna, bangag na naman ako...