it all started the day my Phoebus left me on my own... she walked out of my heart, and out of my life...
and you wonder who is Phoebus...
well, Phoebus is the first ever girl that i loved my all my heart... i made the world go in reverse for her... i broke all the rules of Love just to please her... her beautiful Spanish expressive eyes and sweet smile made my world go 'round... add her long beautiful hair to the features and you've got the smart, sweet girl who made me go crazy, not only during our 9-month long relationship but even before and after that time span...
i met her three years ago through a mutual friend... we became so close to each other... she would call me up just to say hi and talk about anythingunder the sun... she made me laugh like a hyena with her stories no matter how corny they are... but what we love most is talk about the Dark stuff... with that in common, we would spend hours on the phone every single night, just talking about that...
it took me one hard hit in the head before i realized that i was already falling for her... she called me up one afternoon (may 30, 2001) and said that someone was asking her out for a date and wants to court her... how i flared up when i heard that... but i sheepishly said what a friend would say, disregarding the pain that was currently crushing my heart that moment...
barely a month after that, another mutual friend called me up, saying that my Phoebus has just confessed to her, saying how much she loves me... by great Zeus, i almost fainted with so much joy...
i didn't waste any time... i started courting her, using all my charms to prove how much i love her... well, i didn't fail because it wasn't long before we finally became a couple...
each moment i spent with her was heaven indeed... how i loved feeling her close to me and how it broke my heart whenever i made her cry (i broke her heart for countless times and i don't want to recall each of it)... still, that never stopped us from loving each other...
the biggest obstacle in our relationship was her father... he was totally against our relationship... he banned having guys inside their house, which forced me to dress up and act as if i'm gay whenever i visit or pick her up for a date... for 9 difficult months, we went through this... i even had to buy a new sim card so i will be able to text and call her up...
the minor problem was my infidelity... yes, i admit, i loved her like crazy yet i played the field... it was because of her being conservative... i know that was wrong, yielding to the desire of the flesh... for so many times she caught me red-handed, only to forgive me after i say my "litany" (that would be an-hour long apology speech)...
fast forward>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
she got sick and tired of the situation... she can't handle the hardship anymore... though i begged her to stay, i gave up and did as she wanted... i let her go... for more than a month, i spent sleepless nights crying over her... i would text her saying how much i still love her and send her little notes on their classroom blackboard, proclaiming my love for her... i continued to give her little gifts every now and then...
it didn't take me long before i found out that she already has a new guy... an older guy... one of her textmates... the very same textmate whom she mentioned to me before, the one who wanted to ask her out: Joseph...
how many times i slashed myself after that day, i do not know... neither do i know how many glasswares and porcelain stuff i happened to throw out of rage...
and that's when i conceived my cyber self... based from my hero of the movie Cruel Intentions, out came Sebastian Josherie Valmont...
it was sheer desperation that pushed me to do it... i needed something to make me forget my Phoebus... i flirted with practically every girl i met on the net, had simultaneous relationships and walked the line of fornication every now and then...
for three long years i acted out Josh... some say i have forgotten about my real self and acted like him more and more each day... i suppressed my real self to make way for the cyber one... eventually, i realized that i have been acting out the whole Cruel Intentions movie and acting it out successfully... i got what i wanted simply by using my charms... it satisfied not only my flesh but also my heart...
but at the end of the day, i end up thinking about my Phoebus... i keep staring at our "wedding ring", read what's engraved on it or just feel its weight in my hands... sometimes i read all her letters to me and cry like a baby while doing so...
and there was never a night that i slept without the stuffed bear she gave me for my birthday even before she became my girlfriend... its the eldest of the three bears that we call our "remembrals"... mine was named yue, the one i gave her was named hotohori while i never knew the name of the last one because that was already after we broke up...
anyway, it seems that the Josh act wasn't very effective... i never forgot about my Phoebus...
that was until she came along...
she... my girlfriend...
(to be continued)
