Monday, October 31, 2005
this is supposed to be an entry i should've made yesterday but what the heck, i still feel the same way today anyway... how many times do i have to tell myself never to read what i'm not supposed to read and never to look at what i'm not supposed to see?! damn it! damn me for being the same stupid son of a bitch that i am! i don't know what's gotten into me... it just keeps happening no matter how hard i try to convince myself that everything's alright... i guess seeing them like that makes me feel... like this... my insignificant soul... fuck it, i'm drowning myself in self-pity again... yes, i'm hurt... deeply hurt... that i could never change my fate... i'm gonna be stuck in this life forever and forever i'll live with this feeling... everyone else will go on living their lives without a care while i'll stay stuck here with my emotions... i'll just watch them and envy their smiles as a couple deeply in love... just like before... i understand completely why this is happening to me... some things are simply meant to be... some things are not... i don't know where i stand though... maybe i'm just making myself believe that i am... for the hatred of hell... what am i saying? what am i thinking? goddamn it! the ghosts of my past are haunting me again... or maybe, they never even stopped doing so...
posted at
11:36 PM
Sunday, October 30, 2005
well well... what do you know? it's already bittersweet november... that also happens to be the concert title of my friend's band at the music museum on november 5... that's this saturday already, right? if i check my calendar, probably yeah... heck i'm sick... literally... must've been made worse by that damned rain yesterday... and its the first time i ever cussed over rain... i never really cared if i'm sick before... its just that... well... wrong timing, dude... totally... by the way, pardon me for talking this way... its the effect of skateboarding all morning... and for the record, i didn't break any of my bones this time... my mind's been reeling lately... over the current status of my life... overall, that is... generally, its going great but i ain't gonna say its perfect... just, y'know, better than before... not that i'm complaining... i'm letting more and more peope into my secret... yeah, the biggest secret of my entire life... i trust those people though... i won't tell them if i don't... its just that i'm basically getting tired of playing this role and i'm beginning to, y'know, not want it anymore... i just want to call it quits... i mean, what's the point? i no longer have to go through it everyday... except for a few occasions, its already useless... it doesn't serve its purpose anymore... come to think of it, there's no more purpose for it... no more reason... this is me thinking out loud, not making any sense... but maybe i actually do... ain't it really funny if i just tell everybody the truth? but that would mean the end of me... i'd go extinct, if you catch my drift... but who cares? nobody does anymore... this isn't the old days... come to think of it, a couple of people will do care... and they'll give themselves a little pat on the back for it... forget it, i'm keeping it down low... hush, y'know... it was around this time last year when i began to "resurrect"... i started resurfacing, told my closest "friends" i'm actually alright, that nothing happened... they almost beat the crap out of me but hey, they're glad my act was just an act... but that was also when i started to lose everything... i gained something in the end though... this little realization that taught me a lot... guess i can say it became my wonderwall... but what the hell? i'm happy with the way things are going in my life right now... and that's one fact i can proudly say...
posted at
8:54 PM
Friday, October 28, 2005
two weeks since sembreak began... want a summary of how i spent those two weeks? sure! easy... i just turned myself into a total bum... i sleep at dawn and wake up at noon... yeah, that's basically how those two weeks went... with a little forum posting there, a bit of j-movie marathon at the side and tons of kitchen-raiding... but of course, there's always the romance of my life... which i learned from experience is not something i should put here since some people love to snoop around my love life and later meddle in it... so i'm gonna skip that part... i got my grades and hurray for me, i passed organic chemistry and histology! sure, i got a measly 2.75 and 3, respectively, but who am i to complain? i passed and that's all that matters to me right now... the new university online kiosk is pretty cool... aside from giving you your grades, it now also comes with your academic schedule, who you should prepare to kill for the next semester (yeah, the professors), the cash the college is supposed to rob from you (aka the tuition fee), and your profile which features your ID photo (which really sucks)! so yeah, i got my schedule... and it sucks! together with the professors... i can't believe i have to go through sir i-only-talk-to-the-white-board-and-write-stuff again... for the hatred of hell! sure, he's a nice guy and all but i've had enough of passing the subject and practically learning nothing from him... let's just say i only pass those exams because he gives multiple choice type of exams and i'm darn good at guessing... i'm pretty worried about comparative vertebrate anatomy though... yeah, you read that right... comparative vertebrate anatomy... i don't mind comparing the anatomy of a turtle and a dog but the problem is that i had to suck up to my histology professor just so i could pass and now this? and how unfortunate can i be? our block ended up with the smartest guy in the department! he's a fuckin' genius that he has such high expectations from the classes he handles... yeah, we're gonna get roasted... again... how come our class is fuckin' unfortunate (what an understatement!) when it comes to professors? man, one week left before second semester begins...
posted at
6:21 AM
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
i love you... i don't know any other way to say it... though at times i wonder if there is a word or feeling deeper than love... because that might be enough to capture the true essence of what i feel for you... since the day this dream turned into a reality, it became a mystery to me whether or not this is meant to happen or not... think about it... i would not meet you if it wasn't for that dream i conjured... i would not even have an idea that you exist... although i admit that i regret hurting you because of my alter ego, i praise heaven at the same time for putting me through so much pain that i was forced to hide myself from the world... i died so you could revive me... i have never been this happy before... heck, i have not even felt like this before... its all so new to me but it feels so damn good... i welcome this change in my life - with an open mind and open arms... arms that always long to hold you close to me... what i feel now does not even come close to how i felt with my previous relationships... it is really different... in a way that i often find myself smiling sheepishly, only to blush eventually... my mind flies right to where you are or it begins to reminisce about the times we shared... whenever it seems like the world is against me, i just think of you and everything is alright again... you are the happiness that i have denied from myself for so long...
posted at
6:53 AM
Saturday, October 15, 2005
now that the semester's over, i hope it won't also mean the end of my academic life... it has been one hell of a semester... and i really mean hell... with professors who torment us every single meeting, my org work adding up to the academic load, spending almost every weekend in school for org meeting, rehearsing my drum parts at home for a live band performance... yeah... you now have a picture of how my life went during the past four months... as of now, i'm waiting for the result of my histology exam... fuck it... if i flunked that finals exam for the subject miserably, i'm gonna have to take it up again! and that's one thing i don't want to happen... i'm positive my folks will kill me as soon as i tell them... good thing i passed organic chemistry lecture... i'm sure i got the chemical reaction sequence part in the exam perfectly... and that's a whopping 40 bogus points out of the 60 point exam... as for sembreak, it doesn't look like sembreak to... i still have to constantly go to school for org meetings and other org-related work... then there's the band recording for the radio guesting, taping for a tv guesting, band rehearsals... all in three weeks... yeah, i'm a very busy son of a bitch...
posted at
7:42 AM
Monday, October 03, 2005
jean paul sartre, you captured the very essence of my thoughts... existentialism... read his work/play "no exit" and you have the answers to the many questions that have been bothering me since the day i asked myself, "why was i even born?" hell, one room, three people... each one denying or refusing to accept their fates... with nothing inside but pieces of furniture, they torture each other... but no, not through the use of torture devices... there were no whip, chains or any of the usual wound and pain inflicting stuff that we all know... well, there is a knife, only that it is made of paper... why? simply because "hell is other people"... they torture you mentally, emotionally... also, there is no mirror in the room... nothing that can tell you how you look like... but i presume you would not want to see how you look like dead, right? my hell... that is right here, in this house... in school... anywhere i go... that is hell... those judgmental people who condemn me every chance they get... they pour out all of their hatred on me for a reason i simply cannot accept... how can you judge someone you don't even know? you have etched my name on the doors of hell, cast my soul in its fiery flame... but you have no idea who i really am... how can i thank you? the mirror... i do not need a mirror to know that i exist... in fact, i hardly look at it... i don't find the need to... because i know that what i see in the mirror will always be different from what they see... i know who and what i am... your opinions are welcome but don't expect me to believe them... i told myself time and again that the population of the world does not matter... most of them merely exist... they do not live at all... living and existing are two different things... you exist simply because people know you are present in this world... but you will only live once you have learned to love... truly... unconditionally... again, i once declared, this life we live is purgatory... people are given another chance to do their unfinished business of asking for forgiveness and forgiving, of loving and teaching how to love, of guiding people to heaven and being their heaven... at the same time, this life is hell... as i have already said, "hell is other people"... people will continue to make you fail in accomplishing your unfinished business therefore making you undergo the concept of reincarnation... also called the "test of faith", it will eventually lead one into the promised heaven... you will live, die and get reborn until you accomplish your mission... that is the true concept of the ying and the yang... you will remain in the circle until you have removed the spots and completed the balance of nature, good and evil, heaven and hell... without this, you will remain in purgatory and hell... no exit for you...
posted at
3:54 AM
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