i spent the whole night in the bath tub... i forgot to go to bed... perhaps it was because my whole body felt numb to the ice cold water - to think that i even put ice cubes just to add to the chill...

i just sat there all night thinking... my mind was literally flying at such a high speed i had to shake my head every once in a while just to get a grip of myself...

of course, you are all wondering why josh valmont is doing something really weird again...

definitely, i thought of the blade but then again, "don't make it thirteen"...

next to that came the gun but i remembered that i "must not attempt to commit suicide the next time"...

and so i opted for the freezing waters in the bath tub... it was something new anyway - for me at least...

my ass was definitely freezing but i didn't care... i hardly even noticed... i just kept wishing that the water would pierce through my flesh and reach my heart...

i was crying and begging for the pain to stop...

come on! josh valmont? you were born a jerk and you will die a jerk! you let yourself be called cupid? bastard! you don't even have a heart! you have no idea what love is! you are a selfish egoistic son of a bitch whose only purpose on earth is to hurt people... in fact, that's the only thing you're good at - hurting people... you are a killer... a murderer... you lure them into their own deaths with your seductive words... you enjoy seeing them in agony as you slowly do your dirty work... then, when you get sick of the whole thing, you put the finishing touch by putting that blade right across their throats... you sadistic beast... yes, you're not even human... you are an animal... why, you are even a killing machine!

who were you fooling when you said you can turn your back on your destiny? who were you fooling when you said you can change? who were you fooling when you said you have finally truly fallen in love?

face your doomed reality... accept your fate... love and everything good on earth is not for you... do not even dream of heaven... you are to have a living hell and eventually end up in hell...

you know you will end up killing her if you continue this...

it all played over and over inside my head... it rang on my ear... it beated on my chest... in the silence of the night, the debate against myself raged on...

the only warmth i felt was that of my own tears, flowing down my cheeks then on my chest... i cleared my mind by watching it mix with the cold water later on...

but the whole thing became a cycle... it gave me a headache...

yet which gives more pain: a headache or a heartache? that's not so difficult to answer, isn't it?

after six months, i started cursing myself again... i cursed the day i was born, the life i lived and the person i turned out to be... once more i wondered why i am even here, why i was raised in such a devilish way and why i have to feel such tremendous amount of pain everytime i try to turn my back on my so-called destiny...

i only want to be happy... what's so wrong with that? they say you will never know happiness until you know sadness or grief... then why after going through so much misery, i still can't get the happiness i have always wanted? don't i deserve it?

am i not really meant to know the true meaning of happiness? am i not really meant to share my life with someone else? am i not allowed to even know love?

if the answer is no, then why can't i do anything right when it comes to love? are they all supposed to just be with me until i eventually take away their lives?

the temptation to drown myself was very hard to resist... yet it occured to me that people don't really run out of chances, they just give up...

mind you, josh valmont is no quitter...